The superhero promise
by Linneagb
Summary: One morning Leonard finds Penny having a seizure. Not far later she has another one and Penny is rushed into the emergency room After this follows months of tests, x rays, and more tests. And along the way a lump is found in her abdomen... could that have something to do with the seizure? Well. No matter what one thing is certain. Nothing will ever be the same... or will it?
1. What's wrong with me?

**Hello…. So. I've had this story in my head for a while. And now I'm finally starting it. So, I hope you like it. It's told from Penny's point of view.**

I had stayed up late yet one more time tonight. Every night that was the first one after Leonard had been here for the one night a week Sheldon would let him, the bed just felt so empty. Yeah, yeah. I know. Independent, strong woman. All of that jazz. But I was allowed to feel lonely!

It was past two at night. Even late to be me. But going to bed lately had just been an issue and it was almost early to be me. But still, I had to go to work in the morning and the four hours of sleep I would get was already too little.

Standing and looking myself in the bathroom mirror I let my hand run and press towards the lower part of my abdomen. Every time I did this I hoped that this time this time that lump is for sure gone. But no, it was still there. And pressing towards it and moving my head up and down. I could push it back and forth, just like I had been able to yesterday, and the day before that. And every day for… well I wasn't so sure how long. Six months or something.

I knew I should have gone to the doctor's or something with it. That if it was something bad they would be able to do something about it easier the sooner I got there. But I hadn't dared to tell anybody about the lump I'd been feeling. What if it was something bad? What if I was really ill? What if I would die and not have the chance to do what I had really been dreaming about. Screw being an actress, what if I would never have the time to marry Leonard or have a child?

I sighed and turned the bathroom light off, moving out in the main room of my apartment and towards the bedroom. Where I laid down, and pulled the covers tightly around me to try and get the lonely feeling off me. And tried to imagine that the covers tightly wrapped around me was Leonard lying there.

"Penny?"

I felt something hard under me, and every little piece of my body was aching and sore. I also felt a pair of arms holding under me, lifting up my upper body from whatever hard I was lying on. Hadn't I just been laying in my bed to go to sleep for the night? No wait! I could remember briefly standing by my wardrobe and picking out clothes for today.

"Penny?... Penny?"

I slowly opened my eyes to see Leonard kneeling by me and holding me up from the floor right inside the door of my apartment. And there I was lying on the floor and feeling tired and achy and damn it I was so nauseas. What was going on? And I was going to work wasn't so why was I wearing pyjamas? Nothing made sense!

"Wha' abbe?"

"You had a seizure."

Wait… No! I didn't get seizures did I? Okay? What was wrong with me? Nothing was wrong with me. I had to be dreaming or something? This was just some stupid bad dream? But then why was I in so much pain? You couldn't feel pain in dreams could you? What was wrong with me? Nothing was wrong with me! I just had to get up and get to work, like now. Because if Leonard was in here I was probably late. And I just needed to get up from the floor.

I tried to push myself up on the floor. But that only caused a wave of nausea so strong, for a second I was so certain I'd throw up I gave my all to lift my head so I wouldn't get choked. And then I just continued to take deep breaths and forced the nausea down my throat, both that wave and another. Even stronger one. Before the nausea suddenly eased and I laid back again towards the floor for a second.

"The ambulance is on its way."

Wait? I looked up to Leonard in alarm. I didn't need an ambulance. Nothing was wrong with me and I didn't need an ambulance. And I knew a guy who worked as a paramedic, so with my luck. He was probably the one who was going to come here and this would be awkward when they would have to realize that there was nothing wrong with me and that was certainly not what I needed. What I did need was to get up from this floor. Like right now! I needed to get up, get into some real clothes and get to work. Didn't I? I started pushing myself up from the floor, but just as I did there was a knock on the door and the door was opened to two paramedics.

"Have we come to the right place?" One of the men, the one who was standing closest to me asked and I heard Leonard answer yes before the man kneeled by me on the opposite side on me from Leonard. Leaving the door open as otherwise I would have to move further into the apartment. "My name is Matthew." He opened his bag and pulled out a syringe and a little flask. "And I understand you've had a seizure?"

"Yes." That was the first time I had even accepted myself that it was what had happened. And I wasn't so sure what I would think when I saw the paramedic had the same hair color as my friend. But it for sure wasn't him. Maybe I would have felt safer if it was someone I knew. Or maybe… Now when he was pulling the fluid from the flask into the syringe it probably wouldn't matter.

"Well, my name is Matthew and I'll be riding with you in the ambulance. First, I just need to check your blood pressure. It's okay honey. It will only tighten, it won't hurt at all." He pulled up a blood pressure cuff and a stethoscope out of his bag. He pulled the cuff around my arm and I reached down my free hand to hold Leonard's and waited for it to be over.

"That's it." I looked at Matthew when he reached down his bag again and pulled up a syringe and a small flask. "This is only relaxants. It will keep you from having another seizure." I nodded. "It will only hurt for a second." I buried my face in Leonard's shirt and forced myself not to whimper when I felt the needle go through my skin. "So that's it. Now, do you think you can walk yourself or should I and my colleague here get the gurney?" I shook my head slightly, and fought to crawl onto my feet. And then, supporting on Leonard walked through the door and out in the stairs.

My legs felt weak and shaky, but still I managed to get past Sheldon who stood in the doorway to his apartment and stared at us. But for once he wasn't saying a word and I just looked away, while Leonard gestured something to him when he tried to say something. And then we continued down the stairs. And not until we continued out the door and towards the waiting ambulance for me. I thought about that lump again. Maybe I should tell the paramedic so something could be done about it?

I just shook the thought off. There was nothing this Matthew could do about it anyway. And it was probably nothing… unless that lump and that seizure had something to do with each other. But it couldn't have that could it. The lump was in my abdomen and seizures were in the brain? Were they?

Oh lord!

What on earth was going on with me?

 **So. There's a short introduction chapter for you. And it starts off with Penny feeling a lump, then having a seizure. And obviously some black outs as she can't remember anything of how she ended up on the floor, how she changed pyjamas, or Leonard coming into her apartment from the start… hmmm. Well, you'll see how this works out in the rest of this story**

 **I made a polyvore edit for this story. Links on profiles aren't working, but if you want to see it pm me. And I'll come up with a way for you to see it. And oh yeah, there might be some English faults in the story. But that might be because English is not my first language.**

 **Random fact**

During some circumstances I haven't been able to start this before. But I did now, and I'm so excited to finally be putting up a big bang theory fic.


	2. Hospital bed

**Thank you, thank you, thank you so much everybody. I can't believe the response this story got and I'm totally in love with all of your reviews. So, thank you to bamadude, tonstar17, SRAM, 3457 and umbrella0326 for reviewing. I love you all.**

 **If anyone wonders, the hands in the cover pic belongs to my parents. I shot the picture, therefore it belongs to me and therefore I do not want anyone to take it without my permission.**

 **It's still told from Penny's pov**

Waking up from my sleep I opened my eyes and looked around in the hospital room the bed I laid in was put in. I couldn't turn my head much, my neck felt stiff and achy and so did the rest of my body. I remembered that seizure… but how did I end up here?

I remembered I had laid in another room, but it wasn't this room because there I had laid with my head to the other side. And that room hadn't been this big. Also, there had been a woman being pushed in holding onto a vomit bag and I could remember being afraid because I absolutely hated it when I had to watch anyone throwing up, or listen to it, or even smell it. Had she? I couldn't remember that.

The room I laid was a big one for being a hospital with space for four beds, two on the side that I laid on, with one bed further away from the window and closer to the door from where I laid. And two on the other side of the room. The beds on the other side were both empty, but on the other side on the curtain right by my bed, I could hear a person and a nurse talking.

" _Of course we can't make you stay if you don't want to or you don't feel like you have to. But we'd highly suggest you stay. And if you don't want to stay we have got some papers you need to sign if you don't want to stay so that we can show that we have suggested you'd stay but you still left"_

" _I can sign them"_

When the talking stopped I also stopped listening. And when I looked around me, just to be sure. But Leonard wasn't there and I was all alone. I could hear the woman on the other side of the curtain leaving, and could see the streetlights on the hospital's parking lot. I could see a car pulling over and parking. And even though I couldn't see the rest of the car from the headlights. Maybe, maybe it could be Leonard coming back. Because I could remember he had been here with me earlier, although when I watched a person I could barely see, but too tall to be my Leonard. I was so far gone in my own thoughts and self- pitying I flinched when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry I left." Leonard took my hand after walking around and sat down in the chair next to the bed. "You know, I drove in the car after the ambulance. And Sheldon insisted he was coming with me. But he wouldn't come inside so I left him in the car. And I just went outside for a minute to check so he was alright. And so I came outside and he was so angry with me for not driving him to work so he had trashed some old receipts and so and left them on my seat. Eaten a piece of chocolate that was there and broken my sunglasses. But I think that in the end, he was angrier with himself than with me. But you know how he is, and refuse to realize he's done anything wrong. And just started babbling about what he missed at work today. Seriously, I had to turn my phone off in the hospital. And when I turned it on I had a hundred and fourteen missed calls from him. A hundred and fourteen! And I'm lucky that wasn't eight hundred and fourteen." Leonard sighed and pulled a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry honey." He squeezed my hand, leaned forward and leaned his chin against the rail around the bed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left, and I shouldn't be complaining about Sheldon."

"It's okay." I whispered and fought the lump in my throat back. "Sheldon is Sheldon… What are you doing?" Leonard had pulled up his phone out of his pocket and when I asked- obviously too loud he held a finger to his lips.

"You're actually not allowed to use a cellphone in this part of the hospital. It could mess some machines up. But I'm just going to send out to Howard and the guys what is going on. Is that okay with you?" I nodded quickly and Leonard pressed send and laid his phone at the rolling table by the bed and stood up. "I just need to go to the bathroom." He walked over and disappeared through the door to the bathroom, and not a second later I realized that Leonard had forgotten to turn his phone off again when I heard an answer come. I took the phone up and saw that it was from Sheldon and quickly pressed to see what he had written.

 _Have you thought of everything that seizures probably be because of? It could be because of strokes, brain bleeds, skull fractures, brain tumors…_

I didn't read any longer, instead I just broke down crying and regretted that I had ever read the text message. What if I had a tumor? Damn it, what if I had cancer? What if the lump in my abdomen was cancer and it had spread up into the brain and caused the seizure? How long would I have left then? Damn it, I didn't want to die yet!

"Hey." Leonard came out from the bathroom and rushed over to me, where he wrapped his arms around me. "Are you okay?" I nodded to the phone and Leonard moved one of his arms to check what it was. "Sheldon I'm gonna kill you!" He couldn't have had the time to read it all and I broke down even worse. "Hey. Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's nothing that bad. You are young and healthy and the risk of that is almost zero. I'm sure it's just stress or an infection or something else." Leonard suddenly looked up and looked to something behind me. "Nurse?"

I turned around to see a nurse standing there, and the only reason I could find that she was here was that they would finally have some answers for me. And while she drew a breath to start talking I felt my heart start beating in my chest. While at the same time I kept on having a feeling that no matter what it would be okay.

"We did this x-ray of your brain and we have gotten the results. And as far as we can see there are no bleedings nor any fractures or anything like that…"

"And no tumors?"

"No tumors." I finally breathed out and sunk back against the pillow. Finally my heart rate was back to normal and despite the feeling that it was going to be okay it felt like I could breathe again. "Anyway, the blood we drew show some anemia. So… Have you noticed you have bled more than usual during period or…" I shook my head- no. "Okay, well. Anemia of this kind, with low iron levels is quite common. However, when we first figured it out we gave you some blood so we won't do anything right now. And we'd like to keep you here for observation for the night." I nodded- to me it was just clear that if they wanted to keep you in hospital you really should stay. "And we'll be back in the morning." I nodded again. "And then in some while you'll get some letter asking you to come for an EEG and they'll check the brain activity to figure out why you had those seizures." I nodded. "Okay, well, it's late so you could sleep or whatever you want." I nodded again and pulled the blanket tighter around me.

"I'll go home for the night." Leonard told me and touched my forehead with his lips. "I'll have my phone on loudest volume so if something happens don't hesitate to call me. And I'll be right here tomorrow morning." I nodded slightly. I didn't want him to leave but I was too tired to protest, and with that I just watched Leonard leave. And just after checking that lump- which was still there. I fell into dreamless sleep.

"Hey." It felt like only a second had passed when Leonard's voice woke me up again. And when I remembered that he had went home, but saw him standing by the bed with a plastic bag in his hand I thought I was dreaming. "I came home, but it didn't feel right to leave you alone here." I tried to give a smile, but it probably ended up more a grimace when I almost started crying with relief about not having to spend the night alone in a dark hospital room. And Leonard put his bag on the floor, laid his jacket on the chair by the window and crawled up by my side just as the nurse came into the room again.

"It is…" I pushed myself up and looked to the nurse. "If I tell you I want Leonard to stay he can…"

"Honey." The nurse rubbed my leg over the blanket. "You don't need to say that. We'd be letting him stay anyway. And I think that if I was here I would like someone I loved to stay with me too. And I'm old!" I gave a weak smile and sunk back into Leonard's arms, closed my eyes and relaxed. While I could still feel the relief of this, at least looking like it would be nothing dangerous filling up warmth in every piece of my body.

And right there, in the arms of the one that I loved. I was protected by his body, and I was safe.

"Leonard?"

"Mhm."

"Thank you for coming back."

"No reason to thank me love."

And with that, I curled up and fell asleep.

 **I know the chapters in this story aren't that long. But it's all because this story is quite important to me and I don't want to drag on anything. So… it's about the quality not the quantity right? Great! See you next time.**

 **Random fact**

Actually, that part with Sheldon eating a piece of chocolate, breaking a pair of sunglasses and trashing paper and leaving it on the driver's seat was what my dog did in mum's car once when my mum had to come with me to the hospital but didn't have time to go and take her outside. I thought it would be kind of humoristic to use Sheldon to do that.


	3. Lumps and bruises

**And just to tell you (Not meant as critique or anything) I do know that my English isn't perfect. But it would be a whole lot easier to make it better if people told me what I did wrong. So, if you can take the time to do so I would very much appreciate that. And second, I do know the word 'love' is seldom used in America as a pet name. I think it's cockney… But, for starters- I just think it's too sweet not to use and for endings- I can't really think about what is American and what is British because then I start mixing them up. So? Great!**

"Excuse me." The morning after I ended up in the hospital I woke up from a person standing by my bed talking to me. At first I couldn't understand who it was, or where I was. Then I drowsily looked around, and seeing the hospital room and Leonard sleeping in a tent bed right by mine, everything came back to me at once. And when I turned my head again, I could see a nurse standing by my bed.

"Mhm." I looked to the clock up on the wall- ten minutes to six, ugh!

"We're just doing rounds. I'm just going to check your temperature." I forced myself not to moan when she grabbed my ear, put the thermometer in and waited for it to show. "36, 7. Not even close to a fever." She patted my shoulder. "Now try to get some more sleep honey." I sighed as she walked away. Wow! Couldn't they have taken my temperature when I was already awake?

I laid down again and pulled the blanket around me. Then closed my eye and wasn't going to open them again, that usually helped. But it didn't this time, and after a while I opened them. Turned on my other side, and tried again. I must have been trying that at least a million times before I finally drifted off. And hoped that no more nurses was going to come in for another several hours.

When I woke up again nothing more than an hour or two had passed, and Leonard was still sleeping in that tent bed so I turned the TV hanging in the ceiling on and zapped between the few channels there were and ended up on an episode of American idol of the season where Sam Wolff was in.

Leonard woke up, didn't say anything but got up and pulled his jeans and hoodie on. Just as he took his clothes on I looked down to know what I was wearing myself, and realized that since I never changed into one of those ugly hospital gowns. I was still wearing my Mickey Mouse pyjamas. I must have had it on for a while now, but oh well. I could change it once I got home.

"Good morning." The same nurse that had been here yesterday came in again. "Did you have a good night's sleep?" I nodded, but wasn't going to give in yet.

"Did they really have to come in before six in the morning to check my temperature?" The nurse frowned, but didn't answer before she left the room. And Leonard took my hand and kissed it just slightly before he told me his thoughts about what I had just said and done.

"You know Pen. Working at a place like this. They're often very busy. Therefore it's often for the best to just say it's all good. Okay?" I nodded, and decided not to protest just as the nurse came in again. This time followed by a male in doctor's clothes. And once again the thought that maybe this would be the right moment to tell someone- them about the lump I had been feeling.

"Hi, my name is Dr. Manuel."

Tell him? Not tell him? Tell him? Not tell him? Tell him? Maybe I shouldn't tell him, just go on like nothing happened and tell anyone if it grew or hurt or something? But it had hurt that one nght when I had pressed it. Maybe not tell him, go on and then when I'd tell someone it would be too late and it wouldn't be long left. Maybe tell him and there would be a chance for them to do something about it if it really was something? Maybe tell him- well, them. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad after all.

"Penelope!" I told myself. "If this really is cancer, then it would be better if they can treat it as fast as possible. And the bigger the chance would be that they actually treat it. And the bigger the chance you'd survive and you could have a long life and do what you want with it. Maybe, but then you'd have to tell them right now!"

And I just hadn't heard a single word of what Dr. Manuel had told me- except the fact that his name was Dr. Manuel.

"Ehrm..:" I hesitated. "Lately… I've been feeling something in my stomach like… I have something in my stomach… like."

I refused to mention the word lump. Lumps were bad. If I mentioned the word lump that would mean that there was something wrong with me. And if there was something wrong with me… But there couldn't be something wrong with me? I was young and healthy right? Old people had lumps that made them ill… right?

"You mean…" Dr. Manuel spoke again. "Like a lump?" I nodded. "Okay. Can you show me where it is?" I nodded, pulled up my shirt and pressed the lower, right part of my abdomen until I had found the lump again, and moved away my hand so he could feel. Dr. Manuel stepped closer to my bed and pressed where I had pointed and pressed with both of his hands.

"Does it hurt when I'm pressing like this?" I shook my head. "I mean…" Dr. Manuel stepped away with a frown on his face that had fear creeping up in every cell of my body. "…You can pull your shirt down again." I quickly did so and tried not to feel ashamed of that silly pyjamas. "I can feel it to. But it doesn't have to be anything bad and of course you're young and healthy so the risk for it to be something actually harmful is very little. But I'll send a remission to the x-ray so you'll be taken in there and we can check it up." I nodded. "Okay, well… I'll also send a remission for them to make an EEG so they could hopefully see what these seizures were because of."

These… seizures?

"How many seizures did I have?"

"Two." Leonard answered. And I pulled for my breath.

That was the first time I got a feeling that this wasn't real. Seizures, lumps and stuff like these were things that happened to other people. To old people, or sick people. Not to me. It definitely didn't happen to me! No! Just no!

I closed my eyes, when I opened them again the doctor was gone. But I was still in that hospital room. Leonard still sat in that chair on my left side. That short, chubby nurse that I couldn't remember the name of (Why couldn't I remember anything?) stood on my right, but the doctor was gone. And the nurse now held an IV bag with some red fluid in it. It was red and looked a lot like blood but darker and more brown or orange- ish in the color.

What it looked like kind of made me feel sick. So to look at something else I glanced up at the clock over the window. It was close after nine in the morning… wait? Didn't that mean I should be at work. I needed to get into some real clothes and to work. Heck! I was so getting fired if Dan knew anything about that I had missed a whole day of work without calling and…

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"Work, gotta get to work."

"Honey." Leonard smiled. "It's Saturday." I stopped in the middle of my movement. But that would be that yesterday was Friday. And I hadn't gotten the chance to call into work. "Pen, I know what you're thinking. Don't worry. I told Bernadette and she promised to tell that Don- guy about what happened. So if you're still getting in trouble for it…" He let hear a short chuckle. "Then he's not worth it."

"Dan." I corrected him. And not until now, I could feel I had blisters on my tongue so big they were kind of making it hard to speak. "And… what do you want?" The nurse smiled and held up the IV bag and hung it onto the pole next to the bed. Then took my hand that they had put a needle into, probably already when I came in here yesterday since I couldn't remember it at all.

"We usually put these needles in the arm. But we couldn't get it in there so we put it in your hand instead. And this is iron. What you're lacking and became anemic. So we'll give you this bag, then you can eat lunch here and then you can go home. Okay?" I nodded. Ugh- hospital food! No way I was staying for that long, but I only thought it and the nurse ripped the plaster on my arm off. "I think you were allergic to that plaster." She stroke a rash on my arm. "Oh well, it'll heal in its time." She put the IV needle into the one in my arm. "Your hand might get a bit tender when this goes in. Just press that red button if you're wondering about anything. Is there anything you're wondering about now?"

"Can I go home and eat lunch instead of nasty hospital food?" The nurse laughed and then smiled at me.

"Yeah, I think that would be possible as long as you feel that you can go home. Try and take a few walks back and forth in the hallway. This pole is rolling. While it goes into your arm. And try to take it easy and so for a couple of days. Then it should probably be fine. Oh, and of course there are rules like. Right now you can't drive for six months, unless you have any seizures during those six months then it starts form the beginning. In case you'd have epilepsy, you can't drive for a year and so. It's all for security." I nodded. "Okay. Try and take a walk now hon." I nodded, and Leonard followed me while I carefully crawled off the bed and pulled the IV pole after me on a walk back and forth in the hallway.

My every move was stiff and slow, but for every step it got at least a bit faster. Then I would sit down on that bed again, get up walking again a little while later and it went a bit faster and at last I just wanted to get out of this ER apartment and this hospital to go home. And even though it felt like ages before the bag was empty. Until when I realized after not having looked at it for a while, that it was dripping faster than I would have thought.

"So." At last the needle could be pulled out and the nurse put a new plaster over it. "All set, you can go home now." I smiled and stood up, then felt an itch on the side of my face and started itching. "You've got a cut and a bit of a black eye." I frowned. "Don't worry about that, I think you might have just fallen into something when you started seizing."

"A wall."

The nurse smiled at Leonard when he gave us the answer. Then smiled at me and wished me luck before we went home. We acted quietly in the stairs not for Sheldon to come running. And Leonard went to grab something to eat while I at last got out of that pyjamas and into the shower. And damn I had never looked forward to a shower as freaking much as I had done today.

As I stood in the shower and let the warm water pour I couldn't help but feel that sweat and other such disgusting things ran off me. It was also the hospital feeling, the hospital air that ran off me with the water and down into the plumbing system and damn it! This was the nicest shower I had ever had. Despite the burning sensation by my eye when the warm water met the cut. And while I stood there, I also felt for that lump again.

Oh yeah, it was still there. But at least now I didn't have to worry about if I'd ever dare telling anyone about it. At least now I wouldn't have to worry about ever finding out what it was and for a moment, I was quite relieved I had told Dr. Manuel about it. While at the same time, afraid of what it might be.

To get out before Leonard would be back with the food I stepped out of the shower and wrapped the closest towel I could find and draped it around me. I got into some new shorts, underwear and T shirt. And then stopped to look myself in the mirror.

I looked mostly like I had done yesterday, my blonde hair was cut short, my eyes were green. But still it felt like something should have changed since the last time. That all the feelings roaring inside of me should show on the outside. Something that might have showed in the black eye, the cut on the side of it and the huge blisters and cuts visible when I stuck out my tongue to see it for myself.

But still, it felt like more should have changed. That I should have gotten a whole lot older since yesterday. But… it hadn't. I could see what have happened, I felt it whenever I was talking with the blisters on my tongue. But this couldn't happen. Not to me!

But still, I was very much aware that it had and that it was happening to me. And I was painfully aware of the fact that whatever happened, things I had taken for granted before might not ever be back. And painfully aware that from yesterday on. Everything had changed.

 **Random fact**

Yes, when nurses do their rounds they actually do come that early in the morning, and no you shouldn't say anything about it. But come on! (although if you do, you might end up being gossiped about during their breaks, just so you know)


	4. Disgusting!

**I seriously cannot believe the response this story has gotten. Thank you all soooo much. And thank you to hokie3457, barmadude, SRAM and tonstar17 for reviewing since the third chapter was put up and thank you all for your very kind words. Love you all!**

"Dan?" When I came into work the Monday was to go and talk to my boss. So I knocked on the door and then opened the door slightly. "Can I come in?" He nodded from behind his desk and pulled his reading glasses of. "I guess… Well, how much did Bernadette told you about what happened on Friday?" I sat down in the chair opposite side of the desk from him and fought to talk without letting those blisters make me lisp or anything.

"She told me enough." He leaned forward and put his elbows on the desk while looking to me. "How are you feeling?" His eyes had a distressed look in them and something I didn't quite recognize… hold on! Was he worried about me? Crap Penny! Why did you have to get yourself into this? You've even worried your freaking boss!

"I'm okay." I said, and tried to nod to show him. "Ow! "I had moaned and my hand shot up towards my neck before I had the time to stop myself. "Okay, still a bit stiff and such but… that's understandable I guess. And, for your information, I'm not drunk. I just sound like it" Dan nodded slowly and didn't seem so sure about what to say. "...I guess the worst part is everybody worrying about me." Dan finally smiled and leaned back in a more relaxed move- finally! "But…" And here was the distressed Dan back! "… I'm not going to be able to… well, drive and… make commercial or sell for a while. I can't drive for another six months after the surgery and those happened February the twenty seventh so if nothing turns up then I could probably drive again… August the twenty seventh." He nodded and I sighed. "I just thought I'd let you know in case…"

"Hmm… We should be able to work that out in some way." He took his glasses on again, riffled in some papers and then looked back at me. "Don't worry… What did you think I would do? Fire you for not being able to drive?" I just shrugged- something like that! "Because if I did that- which I won't. I would be in more trouble than you and would be thrown out of here head first… So don't worry. Was that all you wanted?" I nodded. "Okay Penny. Then, don't be afraid to ask for help or anything if you need it." I nodded. "And…" He sighed when his phone rang and one more time when he checked who it was and answered it. "Daniel Whitley, the answer is still no. Please stop calling me, have a good day." He hung up just as I was on my way out of his office but when I suddenly remembered something I came to a sudden halt.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I answered. "I just realized something. I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear it." Something glittered in his eyes- and yes, he was the sneakiest person I had ever met! "Before I went to the hospital I was wearing a pyjamas in form of grey shorts and a grey shirt with Mickey Mouse on. I never got into that ugly hospital gown and was still wearing that pyjamas when leaving about twenty four hours after coming there. Which means, during my twenty four hour long hospital stay, I was wearing the same clothes- in the hospital! In stomach flu season! Disgusting!"

Dan just raised an eyebrow. He seemed very amused by what I had just told him- and I couldn't believe I had just told him. I was so embarrassed! And so, I could see him biting his lip and his shoulders trembling. Oh well, at least that would mean he wasn't worried about everything around me and that part was good. So I just left the room and when closing it I could hear the muffled sound of his laughing and well… After all… Some people would just do anything to keep their bosses happy and I guess that I would have to give them a few tips then!

Most of the coming week I was either at work wondering if that letter about the time for x- ray had arrived, checking the mail to see if it had come, or on my couch, grumpy with my arms over my chest about that it hadn't been coming today neither and I just wanted to get this over with- like now! But was disappointed every single day. Until at last at Friday exactly a week after those seizures when I tiredly walked up all of the stairs to my flat and found a thick envelope that had something more than just the letter in it on my door matt.

I opened the envelope and poured out a small flask from it. It was filled with some sort of clear fluid and I pulled out the letter and read through it. I had time to come to the hospital for x ray at Wednesday at nine A.M. I was supposed to blend out the fluid- contrast, with three liters of water and drink it little by little during two hours before the x-ray. Hold on… three liters of water?

I eyed through it one more time, yep! Three liters. Yay me!

"Three liters of water" I complained to Bernadette when she came over a few hours later. "Three liters!" I sighed and tried not to care about the very good wine bottles that stood around my flat but that I couldn't drink in risk of having another seizure. "And I have to drink that sip by sip for two hours before nine. Which means I have to get up somewhere around seven." I sighed. "I hate my life!"

"You can't hate your life for this." I sighed and lifted my head from the kitchen bench after hitting my head lightly towards it when Bernadette started to talk in her squeaky voice. "You know, there are loads of people fighting worse battles than you are." I just glared back at her- couldn't that Polish girl be just a very annoying Polish girl from time to time. "I mean… loads of them haven't got three liters of water. Or any water at all so you know we are quite lucky."

I moaned and hit my palm down towards the bench. "If you're gonna be like that you can leave." I mumbled and closed my eyes. "Of course I know there are people fighting a lot worse battles than what I am but saying that I can't complain because people are fighting worse battles than I is like saying I can't be happy because there's always someone that is having a lot more to be happy than me." I sighed. "And right now I do hate my life."

"You'll see." Bernadette continued but a bit more careful this time. "I'm sure it will get better." I sighed. I wasn't so sure what I had wanted or needed her to say, but it was for sure not what she actually had said and I mostly felt like showing her to the door. But fact remained that she was my best friend and doing that would make me no better than her stating that I shouldn't complain about having to get up to drink flipping three liters of water. "Okay, those were stupid things to say but… sometimes it's hard to know what to say to comfort sometimes."

I nodded. I understood her, and actually. I was having quite some trouble with knowing what to feel and think the next few days as well. It felt as if I should have been out of my mind with fear of finally getting to know what this lump was, but still it was like whatever thing in my brain who controlled the feelings wouldn't let me feel afraid. And I was going mad in confusion. At the same time I heard from yet one person yet the other on how it would taste with the contrast and how I would feel. So at last I decided I needed something else and went on Facebook to ask most of my friends' stab what they thought.

 _In a few days I will have to drink three liters of something that I've heard doesn't taste good at all. I'm going to buy some sort of candy to bring with me and get away the taste with. What sort of candy do you think would work?_

I kept it like that, that way I wouldn't have to explain to half of my stab of friends why I had to drink contrast and at the same time at least there would be some chance of me getting some tips. Even though I had as good as already decided on twizzlers and Hershey's peanut butter cups. One hour later I checked again, and people had sent in their tips, both good and bad ones.

 _Candy canes?_

 _Don't eat or drink what doesn't taste good_

 _Don't eat or drink what doesn't taste good_

 _Gum?_

 _Don't eat or drink what doesn't taste good, but if you have to a few bags of crisps should do it_

 _Sour cabbage?_ ¨

Hold on, sour cabbage? Oh yes, someone had said sour cabbage. I didn't like candy canes, or anything that tasted like mint. Which was probably not the best thing right now since mint had a way with taking over the taste no matter what you had been eating or drinking. Gum, well, that wasn't a too bad idea. And I thanked each and every one of the people that had given their ideas. Told them what I was planning, and told those others that I didn't have a choice on whether I would drink it or not.

"You start drinking at about two hours before you have a time at the hospital…" I read out loud just after getting out of bed the next day. I had bought a bag of nonstop, a bag of sour patch kids and a bag of strawberry gum. I also had turned the alarm on just in time to start drinking, and was just reading through the letter one more time to see if I had everything right. "Blend the contrast with one liter of wat… wait? One?" I breathed out when I read through the letter both one and three times- it said one liter. Where on earth did I get three from?

So, I picked up a one liter coke bottle from my deposit and poured up water in it. And there came the next problem…

"Leonard." I went over to Leonard and Sheldon's apartment and held up the small glass bottle. "This is what I need to blend into water and drink- oh and by the way, I read it wrong. I should blend it into one liter of water, not three. But I can't drink it at all right now because I can't get the bottle open. Can you help me?" Leonard put his breakfast down and came over to help me. But stopped halfway here looking me up and down.

"So that's where that pyjamas went" He said, his voice full of suppressed laugh and I looked down on the tartan- printed grey, green and blue pyjamas I was wearing. "Oh well, I don't mind. Now to see if we can get this little thing up. " He took the bottle and started using his fingernails. But didn't get any other result than what I had gotten before.

Leonard then handed the bottle to Sheldon. "Do you think you could find a way to get this little thing open without smashing it?"

"Leonard, Penny. I am a Theoretical Physicist. I have an IQ of 187. I think I can get a simple glass bottle up." Sheldon took the bottle into his hands and twisted it slowly in front of his eyes. Then he looked up at us and just handed the bottle back to Leonard. "That was not funny." He left to go into his room and left us continuing worrying about how on earth we were going to get that stupid bottle up.

"I have an idea." Leonard suddenly said and I crossed my fingers that it would work while he pulled up a knife from a kitchen drawer and with a bit of work he managed to get it in between the glass bottle and the cork so he could bend it off. "Now." I thanked him and poured whatever fluid into the water with just water and took a sip. "How does it taste." I took a few nonstop candies. "That bad?"

"It actually doesn't taste too much at all."

That was not the same thing I said almost two hours later sitting in the waiting room. Stupidly enough I hadn't thought about the fact that most of the contrast would end up in the bottom of the bottle and with that it just tasted worse and worse while I didn't have any candy to cover it up with.

"Disgusting." I grimaced. "But that's the last sip." Just as I had said that I heard someone call my name. "Okay, that's me." The nurse stood in the door in the inner wall in the waiting room. "Are you coming Leonard?"

"I'll be waiting right here." Leonard told me, I wanted to tell him to come but heck, I was a big girl who could go into the doctor's office by myself. And with that I sighed and followed the nurse into the x- ray room.

 **Mostly a filler, but it had to be done to get on with the rest.**

 **Random fact**

I seriously find what Bernadette told Penny about not complaining extremely annoying. But it somehow feels in character for her to try and well… comfort Penny with reminding her of that there is always someone going through something worse.


	5. Let me feel

' **Squeaks' Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I could never have believed the response this story have gotten. I know I said it before but I honestly didn't. And thanks to barmadude, tonstar17, SRAM, precious- passenger and Umbrella0326 for reviewing since the last chapter was put up and… wow! I love you all.**

 **I think it's possible that several chapters around this part in the story will be fillers. But well, if they wouldn't be then too much will be happening and that way isn't good either. So, you'll have to live with it. And it will also bring the story forward. So… yay!**

 **Sorry there was a wait for this one. There are still some things I have to clear out further into the story. That will take some time so I just didn't want to rush and end up there so fast I have to leave you hanging for like eighty years for the next chapter.**

 **And oh yeah, in case anyone wonder. English is still not my first language. But I'm doing my best.**

"And then, they were going to give me even more contrast through that needle instead. That they did like three tries to even get into my arm. And said like, it can feel a bit warm when this comes in and I was ready for that well, the arm is going to feel warm first. And then just rationally I thought well, my arm will go warm first. And then I was like, well nothing's happening, nothing's happening. And then I suddenly realized. It's getting warm everywhere else in my body. Except for my arm, that makes no sense. Why are we going this way?"

"That's weird and you're going home right?"

"Home? I'm going to work."

"Are you sure? You know, that contrast you drink can make your stomach…"

"I KNOW!" I as good as shouted and threw my head back towards the seat. "You told me that like three times and the doctors and nurses like a thousand. God, I'm already sick and tired of everybody worrying about me like this. Like, two months ago I could run over my own life. Two weeks ago I could run over my own life and suddenly all of this!" Leonard sighed. "And I can't take it anymore. I don't need anyone worrying about me. I don't need everybody knowing what on earth I'm going through. And I certainly don't need everybody's advice on how to feel. Why are you stopping?" Leonard had pulled over the car towards the side.

"Two months, or two weeks ago you had a lump in your body that none of us others knew anything about. If that's what happening when you run over your own life than what is so bad? Now you're finally getting a try on finding out about this but if you hadn't had those seizures you might not ever had found out since you never told anyone. I thought… I just thought you'd tell me such things. And I can understand it's annoying but we're trying to help you. And that's not easy when you're not telling us anything…"

"I tell you everything."

"Not about how you feel!" Leonard seemed annoyed and I fought down the lump in my throat. "And if you did tell us how this makes you feel it would be a whole lot easier if you told us. Are you confused? Are you happy you'll get to know what this is- finally because it seems like you have known about this for a long time? Or… Penny where are you going?"

"I can walk the rest of the way."

I threw the door closed and easily passed the cars standing still on the road. Walked in between them in four lines. There was a lot of running and horning from different drivers. But I didn't mind and just continued one smaller road down and into my job. By the time I was at work I had forced the lump down my throat. Although the tears- not so much!

Bernadette was out on some job and I would be doing paper work. Which meant that the only one I could have possibly talked to. Although not really but if I would have talked to anyone it would be her. While the only person here was Dan who as usual stood swearing by the printing machine when he couldn't figure out what button to press.

"There." I saw what he was doing and what button to press already before he had stopped swearing. "You're welcome." I swore to myself, now he would have heard my voice was still shaking. And my theory on that was proved right when I walked into the office I had with Bernadette and three others. But of course they were all out and I threw my bag by the side of my chair and leaned forward to hit my head in the desk.

"Penny?"

I lifted my head and glared up at him. I didn't even try and be polite this time. And after about two seconds I laid my ear down towards the desk as if I was trying to listen to little people under the keyboard- maybe I could trick Dan that was what I would do because he came walking over despite my tries to make him go away.

"You know…" He started and came to sit down on the chair by Bernadette's desk. And before I had the time to warn him he was on his way to fall backwards (he thought) and quickly leaned forward and grabbed onto the table. And when he looked back he could see that the wheel on one of the sides were gone. And it seemed to have scared him half to death…

"I'm gonna need to put in some orders for new chairs." He panted. "Hold on." He held onto the desk and leaned backwards again. "Okay, it's not tipping over so that's okay." He leaned it back forward and tried to steady it. "It can wait." I suppressed a sigh. "Now, for real. Are you doing alright?" I didn't look at him. But nodded. "Look up"

Actually, I did the exact opposite of what he wanted. Well, I did look up. Only away from him.

"Penny… I have kids. Did you really think I was gonna fall for that?"

"I'm fine." When I was sure I'd fought the rest of the tears away I turned to him. "Really, I'm okay. And if you wonder that thing went great. They asked me about eight times if I was pregnant, oh. And getting contrast into the arm doesn't make the arm feel warm just so you know." He just raised an eyebrow. "Better than drinking it though?" And there he gave up on trying to find it out… or maybe not.

"Like I said… I have kids. None of the tricks you do will work…" He stood up. "Coffee time and…" He turned to me again. "And if you need someone to talk to." He didn't finish the sentence. But he'd said enough to shut those waterworks right back on- I hate feelings! I hated feelings more than I had ever done before.

And honestly, I hated feelings quite a lot the next couple of weeks. When I didn't want to admit I'd done anything wrong and refused to let Leonard into my apartment and for the first time in God knows how long I had dinner on my own. With knife and fork instead of sticks. Or just when I had the bed for myself and just hugged the blanket to have something to hug. Trying not to admit that I should have let my anger towards Leonard… I'm not sure it was anger… but I'd have to let it go sooner or later.

I didn't know exactly what to wait for next. But I knew that every day that week once again I checked the mail knowing I was waiting for something. And then there was a letter about an MRI they were doing and then I knew what I had been waiting for. And then once again I knew that Leonard would have to drive me… I still wasn't going to talk to him aside of asking him to do it though. And honestly, nothing much was said before a man that said his name was Oliver came and called my name in the waiting room. And Leonard made his voice heard and since I had to go a while without eating before the MRI I was already kind of annoyed…

"I'll be waiting right here." Walking out to the x- ray after that Oliver. (Who was honestly kind of hot- at least hotter than I would have expected anyone could look like in nurse's scrubs) Leonard waited in the sofa and grabbed one of those boring magazines. Oliver gave me some of those hospital gowns and showed me to go in behind a curtain to change my clothes into that.

God I hated these scrubs!

And then _yada yada yada_ This machine makes a lot of noise. _Yada yada yada._ You need to lie absolutely still or the pictures will be blurry and we will have to do it all over again and _yada yada yada_ wear these headphones and _yada yada yada._ JUST START IT SOME TIME!

That part was only thinking though- sadly!

When the sounding started from the x-ray machine I started realizing that the knocking wasn't so much knocking. It was loud bangs and some sounds I didn't even know what to call them. The radio and music in the headphones didn't help much. Although I couldn't imagine what it would have sounded like without them, and I clenched my hands hard in that ugly hospital gown knowing that I had to keep still or it would just take longer time before we were done and dear God let it end soon.

That was the only time since all of this started that I could remember since all of this started. Since the start I knew I should have been feeling afraid, of all of what this could be and even when I told that Dr. Manuel about that I had that lump after many lumps. But a feeling inside of me kept me from being afraid in a way that I couldn't explain, maybe that was a good sign. But there were no good signs lying in this weird and loud spaceship. And with every new sound that came by I flinched. And hoped that this whole thing would just be over soon while I tried to concentrate on the music.

There was a song that had been playing on the radio I don't know how many times the last months. I had never really gotten around to listen to it. Now I did, and could finally listen to the lyrics instead of the bangs and weird noises around me.

 _Maybe just the touch of a hand_

And even if I hadn't really listened to the song before. Maybe I hadn't even understood these lyrics. I had been in love yes, but this moment suddenly let me understand exactly how much I needed Leonard there. He wouldn't have been able to come into this loud spaceship. But maybe just hold my hand. Even though I had never admitted it and fought the tears away. And then realized I had finally found something to keep my mind of all of those noises and spent the rest of the time with thinking about Leonard and exactly everything from those awkward hellos and me wishing for him to be here with me right here. Along with still wishing that this would be over soon.

"And then we're done." After what felt like ages I heard that Oliver's voice in the headphones and the gurney I laid on started moving while I breathed out and pulled the headphones off. "That couldn't have gone any better." He came into the big room for the MRI. "Women first." He gestured towards the door. Well… you'll hear something…" I didn't mind about listening to the rest and passed the woman who sat and waited by the dressing curtain. And quickly got my own clothes on and then hurried out to the waiting room where Leonard put away a paper he had been reading just as I hurried out and I didn't waste any time before I hugged him tightly.

"I am so, so sorry" I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "I know you were only trying to help and I love you so, so much." I pulled away again and fought the tears away. "I love all of you so much and I'm so sorry I've been pushing you away." I dried the tears that had escaped my eyes and Leonard patted my shoulder and looked me deep into the eyes. Something that still made my heart beat like crazy.

"No, Penny. I'm the one who should say sorry."

"No, me. I was just too proud to say I had done anything wrong."

"No… I'm the one who should say I'm sorry."

"Maybe we should just end it there before we start fighting again."

"Did we ever fight… hold on, Penny. I never should have said that. You are perfectly allowed to say and feel and react however you want…. And I love you too. And however you want to react I will still be here. Through everything. Okay?" I nodded- but saying I would be able to react how I wanted was a whole other thing than me feeling like I did. "Oh, and they called on your cellphone from that ordinary x-ray. And I answered and they couldn't really see what it was."

With that, I didn't say anything at all. And as the thoughts were spinning in my head I didn't know what I would have if I did. And once again, I was still pushing away my feelings away. Maybe because I was afraid of what they would feel like if I let them just come.

Yeah, it was definitely better to just push them away.

 **Okay, this chapter is mostly just a load of words but… I'm stupid that way that if I make up my mind about getting it up one day, then I will be working to get it up that way and now it's like midnight in Sweden and then you can figure… goodnight! I hope the chapter wasn't too bad. And I think that things just might take another turn and things will be happening in the next chapter.**

 **Random fact**

The part where Leonard says to Penny all of that that makes her angry… seriously, do you know how far outside my comfort zone that was? Really far!


	6. Leonard and I

**Hello. Here we are and thanks to bamadude, SRAM, hokie3457 and tonstar17 for reviewing and… wow! Thank you so all so much for your appreciation… I think that would be the right word! Haha, anyway… thank you so much. You're amazing!**

 **Oh and yeah, English still isn't my first language, but I do my best.**

"And then, before they even started the x-ray they had to put in four different needles- FOUR! And as if that wasn't enough when they put in the first few needles they were like digging around moving the needle to try and find a vein and… I don't think they're allowed to do that. Dig around with the needle like that. And as if that wasn't enough… I haven't been allowed to eat or drink for the last six hours. I'm hungry."

I looked to Leonard, he had frowned while I told him about what an MRI was like. Now he smiled and steered into a side road towards a gas station- that had hotdogs! And when he stopped by the gas tank I wasn't slow with getting out and into the station. I needed food- like yesterday!

"Feeling better?" When I came outside again I had my mouth full of hot dog, mustard and cola and could just nod at Leonard's question. "That's good. I paid here in the machine so… let's just go home." I swallowed the last bite of the hotdog and got into the passenger seat. "So…" I put my hand in between the seats and he took it and wrapped his fingers around mine. "I guess there's not too much to say about… everything."

There really wasn't. And not even to that I could find something to answer so I just held his hand tight in mine. Then sipped from the drink I had bought, put it in the door and then leaned my head against Leonard's shoulder as good as it was possible from where we both sat.

There was almost an hour driving from the hospital that had the MRI back to our flats. But I must have dozed off because it didn't feel like more than five minutes. And I just closed my eyes, couldn't push them open again. And then opened them again and recognized our block.

I was a hundred percent sure that with having slept for that long I would never fall asleep that night. But despite spending yet another night alone (Because of who? Guess three times!) hating Sheldon worse than ever. I fell asleep like a baby way too early, and woke up as alert as a lark when it was time to get up.

Maybe my body had just been so broken down and exhausted from everything that had been going on lately. Because I must have slept for like a total of fourteen hours or so. But at least, when I went to work that Thursday it was with light steps and with the sun shining in my face. I just couldn't help to feel kind of happy- actually, happier and more to peace for the first time since all of this started.

"Penny." Leonard was suddenly in the office early in the afternoon. "Take your things. And come with me. Okay?" Bernadette was smiling on the other side of the room and on the other desks I could see the three W-s, William, Wilhelmina and Wesley who shared my office smile and look up.

"What? I gotta work."

"You will take the rest of the day- the rest of the week off."

"I'm pretty sure I'd be fired if I did that… Or at least Dan would kind of hate me and gave me a lecture of hours and hours and… days and."

"Then. We'll just go and talk to him. What's his last name?"

"Whitley."

Leonard didn't waste any time to wait, and I understood that he wouldn't leave until he had talked to Dan after someone would have showed him. So to just do it as fast as possible and before Leonard would have embarrassed me in front of my colleagues (those who weren't Bernadette) I just showed him through the hallway and gestured to the door, Leonard got my wave and knocked it.

"Come in."

I just kept on glaring to Leonard- if only glares could have stopped him while he opened the door and stepped over the threshold. Dan didn't seem to expect anything because he looked down into his papers and signed something.

"Mr. Whitley?"

"Dan."

"Dan… Tell Penny she can take Friday off." Dan looked up from his papers and pulled his reading glasses off. "She can, can't she?"

"And who may you be sir?"

"Leonard… Hofstadter. Penny's boyfriend."

"Take Friday off Penny."

"But…"

"No protests. I refuse to let you come and work here. At any time of day tomorrow. And if you do…" He peered mischievously. "…Then I'll throw you out the window."

I didn't know what it was Leonard was pulling me with him to. But whatever it was I hoped that Dan could tell from the way I looked him into the eyes while Leonard was pulling me away how grateful I was.

"Thank you…. Where are we going?" Leonard just smiled at me while we walked over to the lockers and I got my things. "Where are we going?" He shook his head mischievously and didn't answer. "Where are we going?"

Leonard didn't answer until we sat in the car and he was leaning back in his seat by a red light. "I have decided that this weekend, we will take in a hotel somewhere in this town. And just be… you and me… Just you and me!"

"And Sheldon?"

"The others are worrying about him."

"Isn't it a bit terrible…" After a few seconds of thinking I replied. "That we take every chance we get to get away from him. And if they're spending time with him we say that they're worrying about him. I mean- I get what you mean but… Still… Sheldon is Sheldon and… I think he's kinder than what we may think. I mean do you remember what he said to Howard right after Mrs. Wolowitz died… I think he cares about us more than we realize…"

"You know… I think you're right… But Sheldon is… well… Sheldon. Comes back in… In lagom."

"In what?"

"It's Swedish, there's not an English word for it but it means like… not too much, not too less. Not too little not too big. Not… Well… Perfectly enough without being too much… English should totally have a word for it. It could be quite useful."

I nodded, but as we kept on rolling over the streets through another hour I found words only overrated and any attempt to start a conversation caused a few replies before it died out again and we silent again to the sound of the dull sound of car motors.

"So…" Leonard pulled over in the end of a main street. "The first thing we need to worry about now… find dinner." He smiled. "Or more like… I need to find somewhere to pay for parking. I do not want a parking ticket." He looked around. "You wait here."

It was followed by half an hour of us both walking around that mall wondering what on earth we should have for dinner. Passing yet the one café or restaurant or fast food place after the other but just couldn't find anyone good or something we could agree on. And we continued walking until we were somewhere around the place we had started just by a Froyo bar by the exit door. Where a cashier, a male, possibly our age or a bit older, stood with a notebook and looked up when we came around.

"You know, we could just buy some frozen thing and find a microwave somewhere. That could work too."

"No, I don't want to have to worry about finding one." I scratched my head just as we walked by that Froyo bar again. You know, we should kind of have an… an opposite dinner. Froyo for main meal and pizza for dessert."

"I'm lactose intolerant. I can't…"

"There's lactose free in the one over there." The cashier pointed. "The one that has a note over it reading 'lactose free'." Leonard looked over there and nodded. "And sorry Mr. But I'm with her on that one." He pointed to me with the pen he was holding and Leonard sighed. The cashier turned back to his notebook and I looked back to the table of bowls with whatever toppings before I looked up at Leonard.

"Please?"

Leonard sighed again and even with his head bent down I could see the cashier smirking at us. Leonard decided to go for it and got up two Styrofoam cups, handed one of them to me and we went over to each of the cranes which had Froyo in them. Leonard to vanilla, and I to a chocolate vanilla one.

I glanced over the table with things to put on the Froyo. Almost forgetting to put off the crane for the Froyo itself and then put it down in front of the things and reached for the mashed Oreos. I could see both Leonard and the cashier guy looking at me with each raised eyebrow- but hey, I wasn't pulling back on anything. And after the Oreos came chocolate, mini marshmallows- more chocolate and more marshmallows, and since I needed something healthy. Banana, strawberries and coconut. And then topped that with whipped cream (loads of it) chocolate sauce and more chocolate and marshmallows. By the time I reached the cashier he was looking very amused and Leonard stood there with his lactose free Froyo still deciding on what he should put on it. And I was eager to start.

"Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeon"

"Okay, okay." At last Leonard reached for the spoons and decided for gummy bears and caramel sauce before he put his next to mine by the cashier. And the man looked to the both of us and seemed to be wondering who of us should pay while I turned to Leonard.

"You pulled me away from work so fast I didn't have time to get my jacket- or my purse. You have to pay for it." Leonard laughed, and the cashier seemed to be having a hard time not to break down by this time. And I knew they could both see my purse sticking outside my pocket- but who cares? This was all on Leonard anyway!

"Got you wrapped around her little finger does she?"

"Yes, yes." I just glared to them both as Leonard stuck his card into the machine and with a smirk answered the guy and then they just laughed the both of them. Leonard payed for us. We were given each card for if we ate here enough times we'd get the tenth one cheaper. And then I and Leonard took our Froyo bowls and went to sit down.

"This was a really good idea for lunch." Leonard told me already after his first few bites. "I guess the credit is on you."

"Yeah, and it's so healthy." I stuffed my mouth full with Froyo and Oreo- pieces. "It's even got banana and strawberries in it. Oh and coconut. So do mine at least."

"Don't forget the chocolate." Leonard laughed. "It comes from the cacao bean which grows on trees. Which legally means that chocolate is a vegetable."

"That's true." I made a pause to swallow. "And you do know, through women's hormonal whatever system, and the menstrual cycle. We do have a natural need for chocolate."

"Mhm, of course."

We let hear each short laugh, but just returned to eating and I took the bites very slowly to make the meal last for as long as possible. And when I glanced up at Leonard it seemed to me as if he was trying to do the same. Although, towards the end it got a bit hard.

"Ugh…" I was stuffed. "If we wanted to make it a weird meal with Froyo as main meal and pizza as desert. I think we'll have to do the desert quite a bit after the main meal. I'm stuffed."

"Me too." Leonard finished his last bite and leaned back in his chair. "Should we find a hotel? Or maybe we should just stay here for a minute." I saw the cashier smirking with his shoulders moving up and down where he stood. But couldn't have minded any less about it as I followed Leonard's example and leaned back. "And don't mention pizza again."

"Don't worry." I moved and laid my head down on the table. "I won't."

"Should we go and find a hotel?"

I moaned, but realized that no matter how full I was I would need to get out of here. And if nothing else I needed something to get at least a few of those calories off. And with that, I forced myself up. And while I noticed the cashier smirking at us, ignored him and walked outside.

"I've never really been in this part of town before. Have you?" I shook my head. "So… I guess we'll have to look up where there is a hotel." He pulled out his phone and we sat down on the curb while I just kept silent to let him concentrate. I guess that otherwise we could just as well end up on some ambush street- or just back at his and Sheldon's apartment.

We found a hotel, walked in and Leonard started talking to the receptionist. I dreamed away for a bit, but not even I would be sure what I was thinking about while I looked around in the reception and I just barely heard the receptionist say that they had spare rooms. And then returned to reality as some other question was asked- couldn't quite figure what before I heard Leonard's answer.

"Yes, yes. Two people." Leonard answered and held up two fingers. "Couple." The woman nodded and searched in her computer. I didn't listen to it much. Whatever! As long as we got somewhere to sleep I guess- together!

"We've got a room."

I grabbed my bag, then realized that even though we were only here for two nights I'd have to do some shopping- with Leonard's money of course. All of this was his idea and he hadn't even minded about bringing more than one outfit- with things that wouldn't go ell together of course! And then followed him into the elevator, onto the twenty second floor, through a hallway and into the room that we had gotten.

"Well, here we are." Leonard put down his computer bag, slouched onto the bed and put the TV on. "Is there something we can watch that we don't usually see with Sheldon?" He started zapping in between the channels.

"Don't even try it. You love those series."

"I do but… it couldn't hurt to watch anything else if only Sheldon wasn't such a… Well… I don't even know what to call him. So... is there something good to watch?" Leonard started zapping in between the channels. "Oh here's something. Welcome to Sweden, comedy. Let's watch it." He threw the remote down onto the bed next to him, and I pushed myself up to lean against him while what seemed like the first episode of this whatever series started playing onto the screen.

While we watched those stupid series I pulled up my hand and felt my abdomen- oh yes, the lump, whatever it would be was still there. And suddenly the thought hit me harder than ever of all of those things that this could be.

Could I have cancer?

No, right! With someone as young and healthy as me that would be unlikely. And despite having feeling the lump for as long as I had it hadn't grown…

Right?

For a moment I could barely breathe. But still kept as quiet as possible. But Leonard would probably never had noticed anyway. He looked to the TV screen with big eyes and laughed loud to yet one joke yet the other while I turned away from him, but still pretending I was watching the TV.

It had been a long time ago since I prayed, even longer ago since I had prayed for real. But with my heart dunking so loud I could feel it in my ears. And the pressure over my chest I didn't see any other way. But I still didn't want to worry Leonard even more.

"Dear God." I whispered under my breath. "Please…"

 **That felt like a good ending, a bit of a cliffhanger I guess. But with that it will be easier to start off the next chapter. See you then.**

 **For anyone who doesn't know- Froyo is short for frozen yoghurt.**

 **And oh, welcome to Sweden is a real series. If you can- watch it. It's hilarious! And will teach you quite a bit about the most awesome country on earth so… watch it!**

 **Random fact**

I want Penny's Froyo!


	7. Stay out of my body

**Thank you to bamadude, SRAM and hokie3457 for reviewing on the last chapter. I love you all.**

 **Oh and if anyone's confused. As I hadn't watched the end of season eight or season nine when I started this. This story is AU after about the middle of season eight. Okay? Everybody happy with that? Great!**

As soon as I was moving my hands back away from each other again I felt a weird thing. It was like someone, or something took all my fears away and filled me up with… I wasn't so sure what to call it but I wasn't scared anymore and could calmly return to watching those silly series. Almost having forgotten about my fears for a long while.

"Hey" During that night in the hotel I couldn't sleep and laid and googled with my phone. "What's wrong?" Leonard had woken up and realizing I was awake of course something had to be up- it was half past two for Christ's sake. "Penny, please don't tell me you're googling for lumps or seizures and now believe you have fifty seventy eleven different types of cancer."

"Nope." I told him. "But I'm pretty sure what I have in my stomach." I scrolled up a bit and then handed the phone to Leonard.

"Cyst in ovary… Most common kind of cyst… Well, that's fascinating since only about forty eight percent of the human population can get it at all… Oh that's how it happens that makes sense! So… You think that is what you have?"

"The lump seem to be in about the right place. I've had some terrible period pains. And if it would make me bleed too much during periods the anemia would make sense even though I didn't notice I did." Leonard handed the phone back to me. "Gah! Stay out of my ovaries you big, fat lump!"

"Well… there's nothing you can do about it now Penny." I turned to Leonard and turned my phone on locked and then put it under my pillow to know where I had it. "So… come here won't you?" He didn't have to ask twice, I crouched and closed my eyes before I laid my head down on his shoulder.

I could hear Leonard's breaths drawing deeper as he fell asleep. But I couldn't fall asleep. Once again it felt like I should be worried, but once again I couldn't. I knew praying helped many people and maybe what I had felt earlier was it helping me. But this had happened before.

Damn it!

I was a hundred percent sure that I should have been worrying. And if I had I would have wanted it to stop. But this made me worried as well, was it a sign that everything was okay or maybe it was for some reason so I wouldn't have to worry until the point where I really did have bad news?

Why couldn't all of this- including this very confusing feeling just have stayed out of my freaking body from the beginning?

I sighed, tried to fight those thoughts away and turned on my other side away from Leonard. But still needing something to hold onto I snuggled into the quilts and tried to fill my head with thoughts about how darn good hotel breakfasts was and how great it would be tomorrow morning. With only me and Leonard and… no must's whatsoever. And while it was easier to do that than I would have thought I drifted off to sleep.

"Look at that!" I pointed to a shirt the next day when we were walking around the mall's clothes stores. "Hey, what do you think Sheldon would say if he saw me wearing that one?" The grey T-shirt had a print with Donald Duck with glasses and the word 'genius' "I wonder what would happen if I would tell him like- stay out of my body like- stay out of my freaking brain. I thought I was a genius until I met you."

"Did you?"

"Nope… But I need that shirt."

Leonard didn't even mind talking, he just pulled up his wallet and handed me his card. I smiled, kissed his cheek in just the way that would have him wrapped around my little finger (not that I really would have to do that though) and while I had put the card in my own pocket I looked around the store with the T- shirt I'd already found in my hand.

"That's cute." I grabbed a hanger with a shirt printed with a pig with glasses. "Those are always good…" Short- sleeved crop shirt. "And oh… shorts printed like watermelon. How cute!"

Leonard was walking after me through the store and from time to time I could hear him chuckling slightly. But I decided not to mind about him and come on! During those hard times- even though I could right now barely remember what had been and what was still so hard, as shopping. Can't by happiness but can buy clothes right?

After that first store it seemed like Leonard was already sick and tired of things and for a moment I hesitated about letting him go back to the hotel. But realizing I would need someone to carry the bag I already had and the several other ones to come I decided against it and Leonard had to follow me all the way until lunch time when I decided we were going back to that Froyo bar.

"Can we go back to the hotel now?" Leonard moaned and moved the plastic spoon around in his frozen yoghurt. "Buy a movie or watch something on TV?" I looked at him after hesitating for a minute and he seemed tired and miserable. So for his part I gave in.

"Yes, but take the bags back… Oh and… I'm totally taking your card."

Leonard sighed, but didn't have to do anything else since after all I did already have his card in my pocket- damn it. It was like I was in Leonard's body and making him do exactly as I wanted… I did so have him wrapped around my finger and smiled as he finished his Froyo and walked away while I jogged across the aisle and into another store.

"Looking good? Well… you're the one to talk! That brought the most terrible mix I had ever seen as the only clothes for me here." I was back at the hotel room to leave more bags and switch clothes and stood and turned around to the full body mirror in the room. "Looking well…" I moved around for a second and looked to the simple, black crop shirt and those weird but cute watermelon- shorts. It did look good! "So can we go and do more shopping?"

Leonard moaned, but grabbed his wallet again and must have decided to come with me again because he came after me out the door into the hotel hallway. The thought about remembering about those seizures and everything crossed my mind and I stuck my hand down the upper part of the new shirts- yep, lump was still there. But right now it couldn't have bothered me any less and I'd forgotten all about it two seconds later and as we came out into the sunlight I suddenly felt so to peace with everything and nothing could have bothered me right then.

Actually, the thing that could bother me the least until Sunday when we were going back I must have been pretty annoying to Leonard. But at least I had stopped going shopping after I realized that continuing would drain his credit card- and well, that was after I bought a load of movies that we spent big parts of Saturday night watching until we had both fallen asleep with PS I love you still running.

And I didn't want to leave.

"Noooooo. I don't want to go home. Thought about going home stay out of my brain." Leonard rubbed my shoulder and while I just laid there I could see him moving around and pack the last of the things that we (I mostly) had bought while we were here and then put it all by the door before he looked meaning to me.

"I'm sorry. You know, I would much rather stay here too but I think that we both have to get back to work tomorrow." I nodded and pushed myself out of the sofa. "This was fun though. We'll have to do it again someday."

"Ugh! Why did you say that Leonard. Now the only thing I will ever have in my brain like forever will be all- these many days until we do it again. When can we do it again? I want to do it again. And yeah, so on. I love that thought but it could be good if it would stay out of my brain between the times. Do you hear that you stupid thought? Stay out of my body!"

"But you know Pen… Tonight even though we have been gone for the weekend will be the night I get to stay at yours according to Sheldon. And we…"

"Leonard."

"Yes?"

"Until at least we know what this flipping lump is- just in case."

"Yes?"

"Stay out of my body."

 **Some details now may be just a tiny bit too detailed for some of you. Especially since periods are as taboo as they are. But I'm trying to move outside my comfort zone and if you don't like then don't read it.**

 **Oh and I've been thinking, I asked in some of my other stories but there are other readers on here so… What do you guys think I look like? Do I have purple skin, eight legs and big yellow glasses maybe? Well, no… But what do you really think I look like? Guess away!**

 **Random fact**

So yes, Penny prayed… And no, this wasn't in any way to try and offend anyone Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or who believes in freaking Santa- Clause- Easter- Bunny- Tooth- fairy- ism. It's just the way I believe. Don't like? Well then don't read.


	8. The final countdown

**So, before I start the actual chapter. I'd like to say something. Some of you might have noticed that during a while I have had on the top of my profile that things have been hard and I might not read and write as much as before. And of course, things are still kind of hard…. I don't even know where to start.**

 **No but anyway, things have been hard- so hard! It's not even funny. I won't go into any details but… it's been seriously crazy! And… during moments I didn't know what could make it better in any way and then I thought about fanfiction and you people on here.**

 **The feeling from thinking about putting up a chapter and get a follower or a sweet review I mean… Some days that and writing itself would be the only things to actually keep my mind of things. And that has meant so much I couldn't put it in words if I so babbled up a whole dictionary.**

 **So to you- yeah, just you who are reading this. Thank you. I couldn't have gotten through things without you.**

 **Thank you**

 **Thanks to bamadude, SRAM and hokie3457 for reviewing on chapter six.**

When you lie in one of those gynecologist chairs with your legs in the air and with no pants on it is crazily embarrassing. You just lie there, knowing that that nurse and that doctor have done this so many times before they don't even mind anymore.

But still, it's embarrassing as hell and you just lie there hoping it will be over soon…

…And hate it when another person who's got nothing to do with you come into the room.

I glared to the woman who had just come inside the door and gone into the room where I had just before went to get my pants off. I had my long- sleeved shirt tied in the sleeves around my waist hoping that it would have covered up as much as possible but lying like this way too little. There weren't any doors in there where the hell was she going? Couldn't she have waited until no one was half naked in here? Did she have anything to do with me at all?

My last question was answered when the woman left and went out into the hallway again. I stopped glaring and fingered with the fabric of my long- sleeved shirts just wishing that this would be all over soon.

"So," The doctor said moving away from me and to the other end of the room where there was a computer. "Then we're done. You can go get your clothes back on and then come in here again." As quickly as I could I put my feet onto the floor again, pulled the shirt down to cover as much as possible. And hurried into the changing room- I did not ever want to do that again.

Then I did something so awkward it would probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

"We have got the x-rays and the pictures from the MRI here and they have showed a cyst in the ovary…"

"Oh, but then I could say that I was right since I'd already figured that." I put my hands in the air in a victory move. "YAY."

The nurse and doctor just looked back at me. They obviously didn't understand irony because they looked at me as if I had gone mad. So I just shoved my hands back into my pockets and acted like what had just happened hadn't happened while I waited for them to tell me everything about the current news.

"Well, it's showing a cyst in the ovary and what we could see here shows it as well. But what we also can see is that it's too big to go away by itself without making more damage than what it would to just perform surgery and take it out. So we'll schedule a surgery for you. And then the day we schedule you just come here and they'll take it out." The doctor grabbed a paper from next to him. "Fill this up."

I looked down onto the paper, it was just one of these you got before certain things at the hospital to fill up if you had any heart trouble or things like that. So while I sat down in the hallway the doctor and nurse just walked away and I guessed it was over for this time.

No I didn't smoke

No I didn't have a pacemaker

No I didn… hold on!

 _Do you have epilepsy or any other known seizure conditions?_

I froze holding the pen right over the sheet of paper. Did I or did I not? For a moment I felt something clench inside my chest. I wasn't so sure what to answer because you were also supposed to answer what kind of disorder it was and I didn't know what it was yet.

I didn't know what else to do so I looked around just in time to see the doctor come out of the room and looked him into the eyes to catch his attention. And then explaining the problem that I had had and he pointed to the right point at the paper.

"Just write you've had some unexplained seizures."

I wrote it, wrote at the paper too that I had had allergic reactions too to band aids. Then got the doctor's attention, handed the paper sheet and pencil back before I turned and hurried through the hallway. And God how I wished I wouldn't ever have to return to this place, or this building ever again.

But of course I knew I had to return. And once again I just had to wait for another letter to fall through my mailbox and onto the hallway matt. One day, two days, three, four. I wanted it now! Couldn't they just email the freaking thing nowadays so I could get it faster? If it wasn't possible for them to give a time already when I was at that freaking hospital.

At Friday eight days after I'd been at the hospital I came home from work and opened the door to once again find today's letters and commercial on the door matt. And already before I kneeled I spotted the hospital's logo on one of the envelopes and without giving a single damn about the other stuff I reached down and quickly ripped the envelope and pulled out the letter.

 _April the twenty first_

 _Today was the tenth_

 _Eleven days from now_

 _Eleven_

Ugh! I just want to get rid of this freaking lump like yesterday. Why is there so far left?

 _Ten_

Okay, now I can count down on my fingers and see how the days go by.

 _Nine_

Hold on! Am I really supposed to be at the hospital at seven a.m.?

 _Eight_

Oh yeah, I am.

 _Seven_

Then I'll have to leave at like six to come in time.

 _Six_

And get out of bed like four to have the time to shower and everything and then be at the hospital a while before surgery

 _Five_

Okay, now I can count down the days on one hand. Not too far left

 _Four_

Leonard has to drive me to the hospital. He's not going to be happy about getting up so early.

Three

Okay the surgery isn't at seven. I'm just supposed to be at the hospital then

 _Two_

Tomorrow night I'll go to bed early, then sleep for a few hours. Wake up, eat something and then sit up for the rest of the night to come in time.

 _One_

EEG isn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. I'm just sitting here blinking over and over again.

 _A few hours_

Damn it I was so nervous!

And now I was cold

And now I was warm

No, cold again

No, warm.

"Put yourself together Penelope." I mentally told myself. "This will turn out fine. Screw what you saw on TV that people can die only from the narcosis. This is going to be fine and you wanted to get rid of that lump didn't you?"

I yawned where I sat in the sofa. In the bedroom I could hear Leonard's slow, deep breaths. But I had decided to stay up after a few hours of sleep and I had already woken him up once with the sound of the TV and I didn't want to do again.

Next to me on the sofa I had put an old stuffed animal I had had pretty much since I had been born. A ragged fabric frog named Froggy (I was three!) that I had decided to bring with me when I had to spend the whole day at the hospital by myself. Leonard had offered to come, but I didn't want to bother and besides. He and the guys were going away for a week tomorrow, so he would be missing enough of work. So then it would be me and Froggy.

Froggy was just a very typical infant's toy with a fat body and long, thin arms and legs. His fabric fur was worn out and dirty by all the years of first being hugged half to death and then sitting on my bedside or in the wardrobe. He had a special smell to him, and for anybody else he would have smelled terribly awful but for me there wasn't any better one.

And even after all of these years that had passed since I wasted him too much thought. While he lied in my wardrobe collecting dust. When I had decided that I wasn't going to bring any other person with me to the hospital I had turned right to that closet and known in exactly what point of it he had been lying. And therefore, he would be coming with me as my own. Best but very silent friend.

I lifted Froggy from the couch and hugged him close to my chest. I had hoped that having him close after all of these years would still bring me some sort of comfort. But I wasn't so sure. Maybe I was just too old and realistic for that to happen. And with that I put Froggy down again- he was totally coming with me to the hospital anyway. Maybe it was just exhaustion talking that he couldn't help right now.

It was starting to draw close to four in the morning and I was starting to get really tired. I still wanted to sit up until it was time to get up but for a moment I just couldn't keep upright and I laid down and hoped that the rest would make it easier to keep my eyes open. I should have understood that wasn't going to help though, because no matter how I tried keeping my eyes open. My eyelids just closed by themselves and I drifted off.

Next thing I knew I opened them and Leonard was in the kitchen.

I looked to the clock that was almost six and it was like half an hour until we would have to leave I forced myself moaning out of bed and hurried to get my softest and biggest T shirt along with the softest and biggest pair of sweatpants I could find for the best feel- sorry- for- myself- day- at- the- hospital- outfit before I headed to the shower.

Standing with the water pouring over my head I looked down on my belly. It wasn't as flat as I had wanted it to be, it had a few birth marks- including a big one right beneath my rib that was so damn ugly! But it still gave me a very strange feeling knowing that from today on I would have three scars there- THREE!

"Shut up Penny." I whispered to myself. "You checked this up. In a while they are going to be as good as invisible."

 _Although, a big scar to show off with was the least I could have gotten from all of this trouble._

I sighed and then did the rest as fast as possible before I walked out into the flat, took my backpack and checked so I had everything. I had bought some candy and a coke to have after the surgery, I had brought my laptop. Some episodes of say yes to the dress I had asked ('cough' begged 'cough') Leonard to put on a DVD so I could watch them in the hospital. Along with a big fleece hoodie, a girly paper, papers telling me what time and where I was going to go at the hospital, some tissues and now I also put Froggy there and closed it with his head sticking up making it looking quite comically.

"Are you ready Froggy?" I asked. Knowing that the only answer I would get was in my mind. And almost jumped when Leonard broke the silence.

"Forget the frog. Are you ready to go Penny?"

I sighed, yeah maybe I was too old for that stuffed animal anyway. And with that I threw the backpack over one shoulder and walked after Leonard out of the flat, down all of those stairs and to his car.

On the way we passed a big church that only God knows how old it was. And with the sun shining and the clear, blue skies it was almost the perfect view. After this I would probably never see this beautiful view again without thinking about today. And even with the beautiful view something clenched in my chest knowing that the next time I saw it something could have changed drastically. And it could very much be more than a few scars on my stomach and a light pain in them. So what if this ended up the way I had dreaded all along? What if I'd have died before the end of the year? What if…

"That old church is majestic don't you think?" I asked, to have something else to think about. "It's beautiful. I know you don't believe in God and everything but. You can't get away from the fact that… that it is beautiful."

"I know." Leonard told me. Then I hoped that he'd answer more so we could talk and I could let go of that lump for a minute. But he just silent and so did I while I thought about horses, dogs and pink dolphins to keep my mind of things. And until he pulled over in front of the hospital to let me off we didn't say anything else.

"So, you call me when you have any news. Or when you know when I should come and pick you up. Good luck."

"Bye."

I walked into the revolving door and tried to take deep breaths to keep my heart from beating. But for every second it just beat harder and harder and so until I walked into the huge hallway of the town's hospital.

To my left there was a restaurant and a café. In front of me a long hallway with like fifteen meters in between the floor and the ceiling, it was also very wide so the place seemed huge. Also when I turned to the right into the other hallway that was just as high, and was lit up by the morning light through the big windows. And damn it this close to all of this my heart was beating harder than ever and I could barely breathe.

I looked down on the paper on which it showed what floor and what hall I was in. Then looked up onto the stairs that had glass around them and counted- oh yeah, of course I was at the top floor. Yay me! Not that the number of floors was half as bad as anything else right now though.

I sighed and walked up the stairs. That honestly didn't seem as long as I had feared- the ones at home were worse anyway. Then checked the number on the department on the paper I had and into the hallway where it seemed awfully empty.

"Hello." On my way through the hallway I had seen through a window in the wall I had seen some nurses have a morning meeting and one of them came out into the hallway and I turned to her. "Are you Penelope?"

"Yeah…" I said hesitating a bit of what I should say. "Penny… Yes!"

"Hi, I'm Emily." She told me without shaking my hand. "I'll show you where your room is." Without wasting another second she walked before me and down to a door at about the middle of the hallway. "Here it is."

I walked inside and looked around. It looked like hospitals do mostly. It had a bed, a rolling table that could be rolled so you had a part of the board right over the bed and a small cupboard. A wardrobe, a sink, a hanger with vomit bags and another one with paper towels, a trash can and a door to the room's private bathroom.

I put my bag down on the bed, and the first thing I pulled up was Froggy. His soft grey and green fabric fur made me feel a bit calmer. But I could still feel my heart pounding in my chest. And I didn't waste Emily as much as a single glance.

"Make yourself at home." She told me after a moment that seemed way too long. "I'll leave you to it." She then turned around, left the room and closed the door behind her.

I didn't dare to just stop and think for a moment. If I did I'd never stop crying so I pulled up my laptop and checked if I could get Internet. Of course, I couldn't. But there were codes to be bought down at the kiosk by the entrance that would let me. And I placed Froggy carefully on the bed and the laptop on the bedside table before I then left the room to continue to keep myself occupied. But of course didn't even get through the door out into the stairs before I heard someone call out for me.

"Where are you going?" The nurse caught up with me and only a few seconds later another one did too. I bit my lip- why more than one? Would they keep track of everything I did today? Like ever step I took and every move I made?

"Only down to the kiosk to buy a code so I can use the Internet."

"Did they open yet?" I suppressed a sigh- no? I hadn't checked that in the same moment as I checked about the Internet code! I opened my mouth to answer but the other nurse had answered before I had the time.

"No I think they opened like ten minutes ago. Did they?" She seemed not to have asked me or the other nurse. Only right out in the air. "So yeah, it should be at least another few hours before they take you into the OR so you just take your time." I nodded. Then I could finally turn around and walk out of that apartment, down all of the stairs to the ground floor and out into the major hallway.

From where I was I could see through the hallway I could see the restaurant. The kiosk was right by it, right in between the café and the pharmacy. In the early morning the whole huge hallway was almost empty apart from a male nurse jogging towards the door to the ER department and then disappearing.

I went to the kiosk and paid for the Internet code. Walking out of the store the sign that pointed towards the hospital church caught my eye. And with a few short moments of doubt I turned my steps and went into the elevator to go there- what did I have to lose anyway? Few matters could get worse!

Just sitting in that chair, at the front row of chairs in the hospital church made me feel so to peace with myself in some way. Don't get me wrong- I had never been a religious person, but I did believe in something- even if I wasn't quite sure what that something was. Sitting there, looking towards the small Jesus cross at the altar but far gone in my own world. It felt good feeling that whatever this was, there was something bigger that had me. Had all of this.

I didn't sit there for very long. A minute at the most before I stood up, shoved my hands deeper into my pockets and left again. The river flows in you was still playing when I left, and from the shivers that musical piece would always give me. A slight smile formed on my lips, and stayed there until the elevator doors closed and I couldn't hear the music anymore.

The next few hours was spent in that damn hospital room, with the laptop on that rolling bedside table watching one episode after the other of say yes to the dress. Then moaning to Leonard on the Facebook chat.

 _Can't they take me into surgery soon? I'M SO HUNGRY_

 _Poor thing_

 _And they gave me some pills, painkillers, anti- nausea and sedatives. And I had trouble swallowing them, I never have problem swallowing pills. And then it tasted terrible and they thought I was going to throw up which I wasn't. I hate that hospital stuff doesn't even listen to you._

 _That's really annoying_

 _And then why don't they ever… oh here they come. Gotta go._

"Hey," another new nurse came into the room along with Emily again. Then took that paper wristband. "I'm Lucy. Can you tell me your security number?" I suppressed a sigh, by now I could go through it in my sleep. "Okay, good. And last nine digits… great… So, almost time to go. You had an EEG yesterday?"

"Yes."

"We have looked over the results. Would you like to know them?"

"Yes."

"It's looking as if you might have epilepsy." The nurse told me and I nodded feeling a lump rising in my throat. "We have checked and the narcosis shouldn't be a problem. We'll leave you to get changed now and we will be back in just a minute. Here, we'll put your phone and laptop into the wardrobe. It will be locked while you're gone" I nodded forcing a bigger lump away letting them take the things and turn to the corner of the room. Then continued forcing the tears away when the nurses left and I was pulling that hoodie off to change into the ugly hospital gown.

The tears were burning in my eyes and if anyone were to come into the room right now they would easily tell that I was crying. So as hard as I could I forced those feelings away and decided to just deal with them later. Which was good because I just barely had the time to force the lump down my throat, get my own clothes into the wardrobe and then get back onto the bed before the nurses came into the room again.

"So, time to go." I span the phone in my hand. "Do you want us to lock that in?" I hesitated- no. I needed my freaking phone! In the recovery if nothing else. "You can't bring neither that nor your laptop, here. We'll lock it in in the wardrobe." Before neither of us had had the time to say anything else they had locked the wardrobe, hid the key in the bedside table. And then unlocked the bed so they could push it and roll it out of the room and through the hallway.

I had always kind of wondered what this part would feel like. With lying in a hospital bed being pushed towards the hallway where everyone would be staring at you. But honestly, it wasn't as dramatic as I would have imagined it and while I looked up and glanced at every person I saw only a few of them looked down to a second or two later look up to where they were going and I just held Froggy tight going through the hallway, out the door and then waiting for the elevator.

Not to look so childish I took a grip around Froggy's arm and held it tight. But honestly I think it was more because holding something towards my chest made me feel like I couldn't breathe. And the rest of the way when we had reached the very bottom basement floor and they pushed me through the empty concrete halls and then up to the OR I held Froggy's arm so tight my knuckles whitened.

"Here we are." After what felt like ages, but at the same time way too soon they pushed me into an OR room with equipment all around. "So, did you ever get surgery before?" They sounded like they were talking about the weather but I just nodded nervously. "How old were you then? For what?"

"Well… I'm… ehrm…" The medicines were starting to make me loopy. "I'm having surgery for a cyst…"

"Yeah." The nurse smiled. "I meant the time before you got surgery."

"Oh… I was… I was…"

I knew perfectly well that I was ten and had appendicitis. But I couldn't get the words out and the medicines were just making me so very loopy…

"Well, it doesn't really matter now." A couple of the nurses came back. "So, now its' time." They put a big mask- bigger and clumsier than what I would have imagined over my nose and mouth. Now it might smell a bit like pizza." The nurse put the mask over my face and it felt bigger than what I would have thought. Completely covering my nose and mouth. "It might smell a bit like garlic."

Geez, now you've ruined pizza and garlic for me!

 _Ten, nine_

Hold on, how could I even think that? Why was I still awake? Why wasn't I asleep yet?

 _Eight, seven_

On a TV show I had watched he hadn't even gotten before he fell asleep. Would that mean I wouldn't?

 _Six, five_

Would they go through with the surgery if I wasn't asleep? That would hurt. What if I couldn't show that I was still awake?

 _Four_

…

 **As usual during those circumstances, I use my religion to base Penny's beliefs and acts on. I would never try and shove it down anybody else's throat. So if you don't like, then you don't have to read it.**

 **I'm not sure what you would think about that counting down days writing. If you just would think it was too fast forward or something. But honestly, I think it turned out pretty nicely.**

 **Random fact**

As some of you have probably noticed before and in this chapter if anything I am trying to touch topics that are very taboo otherwise. Things that I would probably never put in any other story, things that a year from now I'll read over again thinking it is so embarrassing but at the same time knowing I moved out of my comfort zone. And showed people what it's like. Not joking it away but what it's really like. And honestly… I cut out things that would just have made it too much. And I hope you're not too grossed out. But of course as always- don't like it? Well then don't read.


	9. To need or not to need

**Cheerio folks! Here's finally another chapter- took a while, but things have been crazy! I'm still great though so YAY! Let's get you to the chapter.**

 **Oh and before we start. After the reviews on the last chapter I have decided to add a bit on why Leonard wasn't with Penny in the hospital. Okay? I hope you can all be happy with it afterwards**

 **Big THANK YOU to Chloe, bamadude, guest, other (or same for that matter) guest, SRAM, hokie3457, dabzzygirl, and umbrella0326 for reviewing since the last chapter. WOW! So many.**

 _Nothing's happening!_

What felt like a split second after I had counted down from ten that one was the first? Why could I still not feel anything? I needed to feel something or they could never go through with this surgery. They couldn't! That would hurt, like a lot! And what would happen then? Would I be stuck with this cyst forever? Maybe it would burst like those I had read about on the Internet?! That would hurt and…

My inner rambling went on but to show them I was awake I opened my eyes as quickly as I could. Only to see that I had been moved from the dull surgery room to a lit up hallway, with curtains around me and a reception desk right by.

The skin on my stomach was burning, I felt so tired I mostly just wanted to go back to sleep but closing my eyes the noise from outside with its beeping and moaning and all there was of the recovery room at the hospital kept me from it. I was shivering and pulled the blanket tighter around me, and the shaking made the cuts from the surgery burn- hold on? Surgery…

Oh… I guess it was done.

"Hello. My name is Andy." I looked up and nodded weakly to the dark haired- but mostly bald man that had turned up by the bed. "I'll be your nurse here. Is there anything you need now?" I felt with my hands along my sides to make sure I didn't have Froggy with me- but I think all of my self-discipline had gone with the extreme tiredness of the narcosis.

"Froggy…" I half whispered half croaked through my dry throat. "My stuffed frog."

"Stuffed Frog." I leaned my head back down again and waited. "He might have disappeared somewhere." I lifted my head from the pillow slightly- would I search for him all through the hospital now? I couldn't do that? Where was he? Would I ever find him? What if he'd been thrown away? "Nope, here he is. Here you go."

"Did they have to make a big cut?"

"I don't think so…" Andy had been holding onto some charts that he now hung onto the side of the bed and leaned over me. Then carefully lifted up the blanket and checked. "Nope, no big cuts." I breathed a sigh of relief- I guessed a big scar to show off with wouldn't have been too cool anyway. "Anything else you need?" I hesitated, then tried to clear my throat- realizing that didn't help I decided to just go for it.

"Y- you don't happen to have some water do you?"

"Water?" I nodded as much as I could. "Of course I do. I'll be right back."

Having asked for some water I suddenly couldn't believe I hadn't done it, or even thought about it before. My throat was so dry it hurt and it was probably a miracle I could get enough sound out of it I had been able to say anything. I tried to cough, but it only made it worse and I slumped back against the bed just as that nurse came back.

"Here you go." He handed me a Styrofoam cup with water. "I'll let you sit up." He raised the head of the bed. "Do you need help?" I shook my head- carefully when it made me dizzy and slowly sipped from the cup. Hoping that it would help to my dessert dry throat.

 _It didn't!_

"Is this some side effect from the narcosis? It is… right?" The narcosis had for certain made me a bit loopy and confused and my voice was still as weak and raspy.

"Yeah, you've had a tube down your throat. Then it can feel like that!" I frowned- tube down my throat? It was as if he could hear me wondering because he continued. "They took it out before you woke up. Everything it will do now is make your throat feel like that and it might get a bit sore. I can take that." He took the now empty Styrofoam cup from my hand and threw it in a trash can. I slumped back towards the bed again and shivered slightly. "Are you cold?"

"I'm fine." I pulled the thin blanket tighter around me and tried to give impression that I was telling the truth. Which I was, because I didn't feel cold. "I don't need anything else." Andy nodded, smiled at me and then left. A minute later I was trying to pull that darn thin blanket as tight as possible, I couldn't understand this- I wasn't feeling that cold! Only kind of… cold- ish. As if I should have felt cold but didn't. And it was starting to get annoying.

"Are you that cold honey?" The nurse, I had forgotten his name- suddenly came over and asked, and I didn't know what to answer. I didn't really feel cold but I was shivering badly and grinding so I must be. "Do you want me to get a blanket that can be heated up?" I didn't know what to answer- I didn't want to be a bother for anyone. "I'll get one for you." He patted my leg through the blanket and disappeared behind the curtains, and I was left alone still shivering as if I was creeping out of my skin. "Here we go."

The nurse put a blanket of some paper- ish material under the usual blanket over me and attached it to a large hose. The next second that hose was blowing air into the blanket- wow! Loads of great texhnique these days! I would have wished there was some to help me remember that nurse's name. Because still from tiredness or narcosis or whatever my vision was too blurry to read what his name tag said even with my face almost pressed up against his chest.

"Oh, you're trying to read my name?" I nodded. "Andy it is." He looked up when some other nurse or doctor or whoever it was. "Okay, are you okay there?" I nodded, he suddenly seemed stressed. "Okay, see you later." He disappeared again and I slumped back against the bed and closed my eyes. Half asleep when a person I couldn't see. But could hear was a woman was taken to the bed spot on the other side of the curtain right by me. And how she was moaning and crying and God, that sound was just too annoying!

…" _You know you don't have to come with me Leonard. You know, it's been quite a long time since I had surgery or anything like that. Going by myself will kind of be an adventure"…_

To try and keep my mind of the moaning and whimpering and the nurses trying to do what they could against that woman's pain I thought back to why I laid alone over here while Leonard was at work doing- whatever it was he did!

…" _I can come with you if you want. I don't want you to be alone in that whole big hospital for a whole day. Especially not with everything going on."…_

Damn it I regretted not making him come with me. The only one here right now was that Andy, and he couldn't just stay with me- nobody could!

…" _No. It really seems like an adventure to me!"…_

I sighed and pulled myself back to reality. I had probably never hated myself as much as now. I knew it had been the right decision and everything to talk Leonard into going to work and whatever else he needed to do before he went to Maine tomorrow. Whatever comic con or whatever it was that he and the guys were going to this time I knew they were going to be gone for the rest of the week and that would mean they needed to get all the work they could done today. But… I could for certain have needed someone- or something that would get my mind of the moaning, whimpering and crying on the other side of that curtain!

 _Be quiet!_

I would have wanted to shout at the woman on the other side of the curtain to be silent. That I was tired and couldn't freaking sleep! That she was an adult person and could probably figure she wasn't the only one in pain here. And it took all of my knowledge of where I was. That with that reaction she probably was in a lot of pain and all of my self-discipline not to do that as I closed my eyes, hugged Froggy tight and tried to shut the sound of both the woman's voice and all other noise out.

"Hello."

Trying to shut the noises out must have helped because suddenly Andy was by my side again and I flinched awake. At first I didn't remember anything about who I was or what had happened. Then I remembered and looked up at the mostly bald guy by the hospital bed.

"Sorry I just disappeared. It's full here today and we have got loads to do. Is there anything you need now?" I shook my head. "That blanket heating up?" Then nodded. "Good." He patted my leg. "If you need anything…"

I nodded, then once again fought with all that I had to shut the rest of the world out. And it must have worked because it didn't feel like more than half a second until I flinched awake again and heard that Andy talking while I tried to take in what he was doing.

"It's time for you to go back to the department. I've removed that heat up blanket but your usual blanket will be heated up for yet a while. It was nice meeting you. Good luck."

I hadn't taken in much else than that it was just that Andy talking, that I was moving and that I was still warm before I noticed I was being pushed on the bed out of the recovery into the hallway. Just then I started waking up and made sure Froggy was still by my side, he was and while the blanket still felt warm I wrapped myself in it watching the people and walls we passed by, first downstairs to the basement, through a hallway. Then all the way up to the highest floor and my department.

And still, there wasn't a single need for me to move at all!

 **Random fact**

At first the ending was once again going to be angsty, and Penny's thoughts about what this might be. But I deleted the two paragraphs I had, deciding to go with something different this time and honestly. I find the finish line kind of funny!

 **Until next time!**

 **Oh, and happy new year- or gott nytt år as I usually say it.**


	10. Don't make me

**Hey guys. Here I am with another chapter.**

 **Thanks to bamadude, SRAM and umbrella0326 for reviewing since chapter nine.**

 **Once again, I will try to do my best to explain why Leonard wouldn't be at the hospital with Penny and then leave her for a week from the day after surgery.**

"I have candy in my bag." I smiled as the nurses put the bed with me on it through the hallway. "I bought some…" Well, duh- moment! "But I bought them on like Wednesday. I can't believe I managed not to eat them until now. But now, surgery's over. And I need my bag…" They had taken me back to my room and one nurse was already unlocking the locker in the room to get out my things. "Yay, candy."

"You might feel a bit sick after the narcosis" I sighed. How many times would they need to tell me that before they knew that I knew? "So you should probably start with a sandwich before you eat candy. What would you like to have on it?"

I was so hungry I had just wanted to grab all of the chocolate cake I had brought and stuffed it into my mouth all at once. But of course, I realized the nurse was right and tried to come up with something I liked on the sandwich- but what did they even have? Or was I just really slow after the narcosis?

"Cheese and ham?"

"Yeah, yeah that would be nice." I answered the nurse and she disappeared. I pushed the bag of skittles and the Hershey's cookies and cream to the side on the table and soon the nurse was back with a tray with a plate and three glasses (Three?) which she put in front of me.

"Here's your sandwich, a glass of milk," The nurse pointed as if I couldn't have seen. "A glass of juice and a glass of water. Do you feel nauseas or anything?" I shook my head, already chewing on the sandwich. "I'll put a vomit back here anyway." She grabbed one from the hanger on the wall, put it on the table- only making me nervous about if I would feel ill. And then left the room while I shrugged and went back to eating.

I hadn't ever tasted something as great as that cheese and ham sandwich- after all of those hours of not being able to eat- and I counted them to sixteen. I was so hungry it would probably have tasted heavenly with fried snail or something.

I had promised what felt like half of all the people I knew to text once the surgery was over. But I couldn't bother stop eating so while still holding the sandwich with one hand I pulled up my phone and texted a short message.

 _Surgery went well. Now eating –Penny._

Quickly enough I sent the message out and returned to the last few bites of my sandwich. I could easily have eaten three more of these but I didn't bother asking for more and went out into the hallway to give the tray back before I returned to sit on my bed and watch silly series on my laptop along with eating candy. That would have been after getting my own sweatpants and Leonard's hoodie on instead of those ugly hospital gowns, which I threw into a laundry basket that was placed in the room and then threw myself back at the bed

(Well, as good as it was possible with the wounds that would be)

But soon I was eager to get moving again and even though the cuts on my stomach were aching and sore I realized I could probably go out into the hallway without much trouble. If not I could just return here and with that thought I stuffed my wallet and my phone into my pockets and threw my legs over the side of the bed to get moving.

"Are you going somewhere?"

I sighed, I should have known- I wasn't even halfway to the door out to the stairs before I heard a nurse shout after me. I sighed and tried to figure where I was going actually before I could answer. Knowing that to just get moving wasn't an answer that would let me go out into the hallway or they'd keep me here.

"I'm going back to the chapel. I feel fine."

"Okay… well as long as you feel like you can."

"Yes…" I didn't wait to hear more and continued walking down the hallway. Only to be interrupted three seconds later by another nurse shouting and wondering where I was going. "I'm only going down to the chapel. I feel fine. I'll be back in just a little bit. Now, will you let me go?"

"Well… can you wait until after dinner at least? It'll soon come. Just in case." I sighed. "It'll be here in only five minutes. I know you're hungry." With another deep sigh I turned back towards my room and steered my steps back. Not noticing I went one door too far and when I opened the door I barely had the time there was an old woman sitting on the bed there before I walked in.

"Oh, I'm sorry." At least the woman was smiling, so she couldn't really have been bothered. I had gone red as a tomato though, turned around quickly before any of the nurses had the time to see I had almost gone into the wrong room and hurried into the right room- so embarrassing!

Damn it! Why did all doors in whole freaking hospital hallways have to look all the same?

"Here we go." I barely had the time to dwell over what I had just done before the door to my room opened and a nurse came in with a tray. "Some hotdogs. Some French fries, a glass of water and a biscuit." I barely had the time to listen to her. The sandwich hadn't done much earlier and I'd sat up and started eating before she had finished talking. And was so into the meal and chewing and hungry that I didn't even notice the nurse leaving the room.

The meal was over way too soon and after the last bite of the cookie I was still hungry as a freaking wolf. I opened the Hershey's- cookies- and- cream- bar I had brought and broke off a large piece. Geez. To full this hunger I would so have to eat like three pizzas in a row. Although I was relieved when I remembered that I had only promised to stay here until after I had eaten. And once again stuffing the phone and wallet into my pockets I took the tray, found a food wagon to put it on.

"Are you sure you don't want to wait another while?"

"Yes, be right back. Bye."

The elevator from the ground floor to the fifth where the hospital church was was put right down by the main entrance. And before getting there I would have to walk down several stairs and through the main hallway. Although, even though the wounds burned and ached with every move, it felt better than I would have ever expected it to to just be out of that hospital room, in my own clothes and moving again.

 _Good. I'll see you later, call me when you know you can go home. XXX –Leonard._

Just as I stood waiting for the elevator that would take me to the church Leonard replied to my earlier text. I couldn't mind answering right now as the elevator reached the ground floor just as I had read it. But while walking into the small space my phone buzzed again with another text message. Although I'd have to admit he was the person I thought wouldn't answer at all.

 _Good to hear. Now make sure you take a few days off- I'm not letting you come back too soon anyway. –Dan_

I put the phone back down just as the doors to the fifth floor opened and I could step into the hallway by the church. All I had to do was cross it so already in the elevator I could hear the slow, classical music coming through the speakers in a corner of the room. Despite so the room seemed almost all silent, and just as peaceful as nothing ever could except for churches.

I walked into the church and sat down on a chair right inside the door. I wasn't so sure why I had wanted to go here. But neither had I been this forenoon. A part of me wished that I wouldn't have been alone here, but wasn't so sure why. And during the thirty seconds I sat in that chair I only glanced around the room.

I couldn't keep still though and soon I was on my feet and walked out of the church. Even if that meant going back to my room. And this time I made certain I was on my way into the right room before I opened the door. And I must have been because on the pillow laid Froggy and waited, and I breathed out as stupidly I thought that I would be on my own for a moment.

Wrong!

"Hey." Another nurse- what felt like the millionth came into my room with a faked smile on her lips. "My name is Cara. So, I take it you want to go home. But not just yet. During the surgery they put in a Foley catheter. They need as much space as possible for the surgery so they use it to drain the bladder. They took it out before you woke up but it can later make it a bit hard to pee so before you get to go home you've had to been to the toilet. Okay?" The nurse looked over the frames of her glasses to look at me and I nodded. "Good."

I glared after her as she walked out the door and sunk back towards the pillow with Froggy in my hand. Okay? I got they were nurses and doctors and God knows what else- but when they got so far they started getting into my toilet habits and how that would be- I was just so damn tired of this!

I sighed just as the door closed behind that nurse. Why couldn't they all just leave me alone for a single moment? Be alone so I could hold Froggy so tightly it would have been embarrassing if anyone saw and just go through what had happened today? Gather my thoughts until anything new came and confused me right over again- although, of course they wouldn't. And only a short while after that nurse left in came a man.

"Hello. I'm Lamar. I was the anastheatic nurse. during the surgery." Lamar was large and had brown skin- he kind of looked like Rajesh would have if he would have been fat "First of all. Do you have any questions?" I shook my head just wanting this all to be over. "Okay… I will only stay a short bit… So… We filled your abdomen with gas to make as much space as possible." I nodded to the doctor who was signing with his hands around his stomach. "And it might get trapped, it gets trapped below the shoulder blades and that can hurt a lot. But it's not dangerous." I nodded again. "I'll get you some painkillers to take home with you." Another nod and I slumped back towards the pillow to wait for him to come back.

There was so much in the hospital that just seemed the same and what I would have expected. I was given small, beige- colored paper bags with different kind of painkillers and that narcosis nurse left. From the hallway I could hear people moving, one alarm going off after the other, someone whining and coughing. Someone else laughing along with a family member. And then a bed being pushed down the hallway. I sank back towards the pillow and took a bite from my chocolate bar. Couldn't I just go home? Just as the thought crossed my mind for about the millionth time there was a knock on the door and a woman about my age came in. Would they ever stop coming?

"Hi. My name is Dr. Ingston and I was the surgeon during the surgery." I nodded. "So, we did the surgery and we removed the cyst. The fallopian tube we removed as well. It won't hurt anything to remove it but it was so swollen and damaged, if we would have left it and you'd ever get pregnant it might have caused a miscarriage. To have it removed will only cause that if you'd ever have to remove the other one and want to get pregnant. You need to use IVF. But your tube was this big…" She showed with her fingers. "And it's only supposed to be this big." She showed again- it must have been at least four or five times bigger than it should have. "Like a straw. But it's gone now so we don't have to worry about it any longer." Dr. Ingston smiled at me. "I need to go. You should be able to go home any minute now. Good luck." Without waiting for a reply she left the room, probably about the hundredth of all of the nurses and doctors that had walked in and out today. While I sighed deeply and slumped back against the bed again.

Loads of times I had heard about people that had been stuck in hospital and hated it. Just for a day or for months, I could never figure what would be so bad. Someone bringing you food and never really having to get out of bed. But right now, with everyone keeping track of when I would have been to the toilet and not bothering to go outside of the room again, I just wanted to go home. Therefore I was very relieved when I could crawl into the bed and press the alarm button for the nurses to come. And hearing the alarm go off in the hallway I waited as one signal went by for someone to come- then another one. And then another one until I heard footsteps coming closer until a nurse came through the door.

"Yes?"

"I've been to the toilet. Now, when can I go home?"

"You know, we could let you stay overnight."

"I don't want to. I feel fine and I've been to the toilet. When can I call up my boyfriend and ask him to come and pick me up."

"You could call him now. But then you'll have to come back here if anything happens."

"I will." I had barely even listened to the last part. Only reached for my phone and quickly dialed Leonard's phone number. "And I feel fine." I put the phone to my ear and waited as the signals went by for him to pick up. "God Leonard. Pick up. I want to go home!" Just as I was on my way to hang up the phone clicked and without waiting for a reply I started talking. "Can you come and get me? Like now?"

"Well… I had to go to the grocery store for a minute…" I moaned- I just wanted to get out of this freaking hospital like yesterday! "But I can be there in forty five minutes or something. Where I dropped you off this morning?" I nodded to the phone even though I knew he couldn't see me. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel fine." My voice sounded whinier than what I had planned it to. "I just want to go home. Ugh! Nurses are driving me mad with their fussing so I'll get out of this department now. See you in a bit." Without waiting for a reply I hung up and stood up, packed my things into my bag and then waved goodbye by the staff room, not stopping- they would only have said something new. They would probably keep me here until the wounds were all healed if they could anyway.

The way down the large hallway at the ground floor to the revolving doors had never felt so long before. But for every single step I came closer and closer. I tried to fasten my pace but had to slow down again as it made the wounds burn like crazy and couldn't even bother sitting on one of the benches in the entrance- I needed to get outside like yesterday!

When I finally walked out from the hospital in the cool evening air it felt as if I had been stuck in the building behind me for years. And at the same time, despite the still burning in the surgery wounds I just suddenly felt so free and light for the first time in God knows how long while I sat down on a stone bench to wait for Leonard.

Taking yet one deep breath after the other I noticed how light and clear the air felt to breathe. And as I felt over my stomach with one hand, remembering the feeling of the lump beneath my skin but not able to press and really feel because of the sore wounds. I couldn't remember how I had ever been able to go so long without telling anyone about what I had felt- I could feel now that this was nothing to worry about anyway. I just knew it!

"Hey." I hadn't even noticed him when Leonard came walking up to the bench I sat on. "I thought I'd have to come in and get you. Car's just over there." He nodded behind him and patted my knee. "Are you okay?" I just nodded and then leaned my head back at the stone wall behind me while Leonard hesitated about something. Yeah. I was thinking… You know I and the guys are going to that comic con tomorrow. Yeah I don't really want to be away from you that long right now. So I'm going to give my ticket to Stuart and then…"

"No you aren't." I interrupted. "I want you to go. I need some space, some time on my own. Please Leonard just go. I need a minute to think and there have been running nurses and doctors in and out of my room all day long. I just need a few days to be on my own and… Please. Just go."

"Don't make me leave…"

"I'm not. I'm asking you to. Please Leonard. Give me some space."

Leonard sighed deeply, then nodded. But I couldn't help but still notice the look in his eyes- and he was going to feel so bad about himself for leaving. It didn't matter though, I wasn't letting him stay. Even if that meant me making myself feel bad for making him feel bad for leaving.

I guess sometimes life just sucks! It hadn't done so five minutes ago- but now it did!

Once again!

 **Random fact**

I honestly didn't really like this chapter. But writing it I have been having a severe case of writer's block so… this is what you get!


	11. (Don't) go

**Hello! Remember me? Not. I'm the one who started a story, updated regularly and then fell off the face of the earth for months- yep, that's me. Anyway, I'm so sorry for disappearing but I have been suffering from a crazy case of writer's block- I still am. I can promise you though. I will not disappear from neither this nor my other stories. So I hope that even with months in between every update. That you can bear with me and stay with the story. So? Everybody get it? That's great. Thank you.**

"Are you sure? You know I still don't have to go. It doesn't feel right to leave you here alone."

"One." I answered Leonard who stood in the door, with his bags and on his way to leave for that whatever comic-con or whatever it was. "I'm sure. Two- You don't but I know you want to. And three, I won't be alone. I have Bernadette and Amy. Plus, my boss have kept reminding me these past two months that he too is there if I need anything. So you just go!"

"I…"

I wasn't so sure what he was trying to do. I knew he wanted to go, but like any person in a moment like this he'd feel bad for going. I had surgery freaking yesterday and he thought he should stay and feed me soup, get me yet another glass of water and tuck me into bed-not that I needed any of those things though. And right now the only thing I needed was for Leonard to leave so I would get some space for the first time in almost two months.

"Okay, fine…."

"Finally." Sheldon moaned. "Now come on Leonard. Let's go."

Leonard glanced at me again. And I could almost hear that he was hesitating again. I did my best to smile reassuringly at him. But now when he was leaving, I wasn't so sure I wanted him to. I could need him could I?

What if I would have another seizure at night and he wouldn't be there? No one would be there? What would happen then?

"Go." I told Leonard. "Now. I'll be fine I promise." Leonard nodded at last, took his bag and then turned towards the door. Then turned back to kiss me goodbye. I kissed him, then backed away while he walked through the door and closed it after him.

I clenched my hands around the fabric in my shorts. The urge to run after him crying and beg him to stay was so strong- during a few seconds I was certain I would do it. But fighting with all of my self-discipline, I could barely hear the outdoor close and without another word (seriously? Who would I be talking to?) I walked out the door, locked it and walked into my own apartment.

"OW"

When I sat down a roll formed on my stomach that went right by the wounds on the belly button. And before I had had the time to stop myself I had moaned out loud. I should have learnt that would happen by now. But honestly, it was kind of hard to concentrate on that the first few times it happened when Leonard had only looked so worried while Sheldon had been angry for me interrupting their game. So last night I had just spent most time sitting or lying down without standing up at all.

Carefully I leaned forward and got a magazine from the table. And then leaned back in the sofa and put my feet up on the table. Accidentally I kicked down a small paper bag with painkillers that I had gotten from the hospital. But I couldn't let that neither bother me. I had taken some of them last night, but right now the pain was honestly not so bad anymore.

I actually stayed on the sofa for most of the day. I called for a restaurant to send a pizza guy over here and after getting it from the door and paying the pizza and the large cola I slumped back into the sofa (ouch!) put my feet back on the table. And ate like I had never seen food before- if my mum would have seen me eat like that she would have been ashamed of me. Heck! So would dad have been- and he was a farmer whom saw pigs eat every day of his freaking life.

I couldn't have cared less anyhow. And with that I threw the pizza box in the trash before I sat back down to watch TV. And honestly, there was not much else to do that day. Well, except for answering calls from Bernadette, Amy and Leonard about if they'd want me to come (home) and be with me. (and the answer was still that I could make it on my own)

But still, telling them to stay where they were, it still screamed 'NO' in my whole body. I didn't want to be alone. What if something would happen? What if I would have another seizure? What if there was nobody there?

But I just continued to fight those thoughts away. Of course nothing would happen, of course I wouldn't have another seizure. Well… at least the risk wasn't very big… and fighting them all away during the day. When I had gone to bed for the night they all came back with full power- stronger than ever.

I reached up towards my bedside table and my phone. Then used the pillow up against the wall and started scrolling through Facebook. So I did my best to get lost in the worlds of my friends' with whatever they were having for dinner, games they played or videos that had gone viral.

"Although. The longer I stay up. Maybe the risk of having a seizure would get bigger… And I do have to go back to work tomorrow." I sighed to myself and put my phone back on the bedside table. Everything in me screamed 'NO' towards having to go back to work. And I was pretty sure that Dan would as well. But as a matter of fact, it did say on the Internet that you would probably be able to get back to work a day or two after this kind of work and I would be sitting still mostly anyway.

I laid down with another sigh and pulled the covers up to my chin. I guess, if it was tonight that I'd have another seizure then I'd have one whether I was asleep or awake. So with that I closed my eyes. And I must have been more tired than I thought because I fell asleep almost right away but still with only one thought in my head.

 _I really don't ever want to go through another seizure._

 **Random fact**

Honestly, the fact that this is just another boring filler makes me feel… I can't find a word for it- but I'm sorry I couldn't give you more after all of this waiting. And this chapter too had to be done to get on with the story. 


	12. Leave me alone

**I really feel I should stop apologizing for updating slowly. Since it's not getting any better (only worse) anyway. Anyways, I had, and still have some trouble figuring how the story's going to go on right now. But… Well, I guess you'll have to do with what you get.**

 **Thanks to bamadude, SRAM and gxsdoug for commenting on the last chapter.**

 **I suddenly remembered that you guys actually do not know where the title comes from yet… hmmm… I think I have a plan for how it will turn out. And I hope you'll all like it (it won't be in this chapter)**

The day after Leonard left I really couldn't get out of bed. I laid on the covers and stared into the ceiling for God knows how long. One hour, two, three? Who cares how long anyway, I had nowhere to go and if I tried going to work neither Bernadette nor Dan would let me stay there anyway.

"Are you still in bed?"

I had dosed off and flinched when I could hear the voice of someone standing in the doorway to my room and looked up. I had kind of known who it was talking from the sound of the voice, and it was only confirmed when I saw Amy standing there. But still with Bernadette by her side, both of them looking quite distressed.

"Penny…" From the sound of Bernadette's voice I could almost hear what she wanted to say. Something about that she didn't think I should be alone after all of this. And so soon after the surgery and everything. But before she had the time to say anything I hurried out of bed and…

"Ow."

I sunk back towards the bed and supported towards one elbow while the other moved towards the wound in my belly button. Damn!

"Are you okay?"

"Fine."

I sat up, slower and more careful this time. And then made sure I leaned down in the exact right way that wouldn't hurt to pick up some clothes from the floor and hurried into the bathroom as fast as I could for them not to start nagging again.

"What do you want?"

"We brought some Chinese food. And we're both on lunch break so we thought we'd come over with it. We're in no rush so…"

"Ugh." I interrupted Amy with a loud moan. "Please guys. Why can't everybody leave me alone for once. It's like being back in that freaking hospital room with nurses all around. Go back to work and stay there… and come on… don't we eat enough Chinese food with Sheldon around?" I slammed the door in their faces. Then ripped the door open and grabbed the bag from Bernadette's hands. "Give me that."

I slammed the door after them. Then without looking back and jumped into the sofa (ouch!) how on earth had I even gotten into this mess?

I stood up again and grabbed a plate from the cupboard. Angrily I slammed down rice and chicken stew from the metal wrap boxes from the restaurant in the plate. Then put the plate in the fridge until dinner, and slammed the chicken stew into the box with rice.

My table manners might or might not have been awful that meal. But who would care anyway? Nobody was there to see it and suddenly I felt lonelier than ever.

I'm honestly not sure how long I laid there feeling sorry for myself, zapping in between boring TV shows and then going back to feeling sorry for myself worse than ever… towards late evening I was only looking at the clock waiting for it to go by to the time which would be appropriate to go to bed when there was a knock on the door. And when I ripped it open I honestly didn't know how to react or what to think about my two best friends standing there.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well…" Amy hesitated and seemed in search of the right words. "We're here because we don't think you're telling us the truth when you say that you want to be alone."

"I am. I'm tired of having people worrying about me twenty four seven."

None of the girls answered me. They glanced to each other and then back to me. And there was something given up in their eyes that I had never seen before. And that made me feel worse than ever.

"Fine then." I fizzled at last- if I forced them to go away I bet that sad look in their eyes and their feeling leading to it would only go stronger. "You know where the stuff are so just fix yourselves somewhere to sleep. Unless you want to go across the hallway and sleep in Leonard or Sheldon's rooms." Amy and Bernadette glanced to each other, then back to me and at the same time they shook their heads.

I stomped through the apartment, through my bedroom, into the bathroom and slammed the door after me. I didn't even mind taking my clothes off before I stood in the shower and turned it on as hard as I possibly could.

Standing like that with the cold water pouring over my head and the wet stains of my clothes sticking hard towards my skin- a part of me wished that it could just let go in some way. Well knowing that when I almost started crying when that nurse told me I might have epilepsy I had pushed the crying away made me beat myself up even more- what was it with me when when I would start crying I just wanted to be with certain people. People whose attention I wanted.

And so when I wanted to cry, when I really could have- at least now when I was alone in the bathroom with the sound of pouring water filling the room and my whole apartment, I couldn't cry.

Not at all

"Are you alright?" Amy asked when I came out of the bathroom after what felt like hours. She and Bernadette had had each outwell flock and blown them up over the floor in my bedroom. As if they didn't want me to have any privacy at all. "The mattresses are the boys' if you wonder… why are you so wet="

"Because I showered." I said in a snide tone and pulled out a new pyjamas from my wardrobe. Then angrily got into it and crawled into my own bed. Very annoyed with the fact that people would just not leave me alone- like ever.

"But this will be kind of fun though won't it?" Amy smiled when she pulled up her covers to her chin and snuggled into it. "It'll be like a slumber party. Although it will go on for like a week. Until the boys are back anyways…"

"Ugh."

I moaned and threw one of my pillows over my head, but still pressing it hard towards my ear I couldn't shit the words out. And when Amy called out for me I stayed silent trying to be asleep- And I bet I'd remember how she sounded when she spoke again.

"You know Bernadette…" Amy sighed deeply and I could then hear her move around. "…I'm really worried about our friend Penny. And I don't know what more I can do to make her see that we will stay by her side…"

I turned in bed. Maybe if she was afraid I might hear her she would stop and I didn't want to hear more. I guess it would soon come to the point where they would stay by my side no matter how much of a pain in the ass.

I was angry, oh I was so angry. But as I felt one feeling after the other just running off- I knew that I actually wasn't angry with somebody else.

Not at all!

After God knows how long when I could hear both Amy and Bernadette's breaths go deeper as they had both fallen asleep. I turned on my back and stared into the ceiling with thoughts spinning in my head. I was still trying to be annoyed with the two other women in my apartment for the moment. But all the feelings had ran off and I was left with a weird empty feeling. Something weak and something I wanted away.

 **Well. Penny seems angry with everything and everybody. But who and what is she actually angry with? Amy and Bernadette fixed a sleepover at Penny's until the boys are back but it really didn't seem to make anything better… and she kind of wants to cry but really can't… Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy… how on earth did she get into this mess?**

 **Random fact**

Honestly, I'm finding these parts of the story quite hard to write. And I'm not even sure I'm making any sense haha. (I couldn't come up with anything else for a fact)


	13. Really not good enough

**Hello guys. Here's a brand new chapter for you all. Thanks to bamadude, SRAM, Buddy 5647 and gsxdoug for reviewing. Here we go…**

"I hate my life…" I pushed the tennis ball I was holding towards the wall and it bounced back towards me. "I hate my life…" For every sentence I said I pushed the ball towards the wall and it bounced back towards me, so I caught it and said it again… "I hate my life… I hate my life…"

With a sigh I grabbed the ball and span it in my hand. I might as well get moving. I literally didn't have any reason to stay at home and…

"No." Dan protested as soon as I had stepped over the threshold at work. "You are under no circumstances allowed to be here for the rest of the week." I opened my mouth to protest. "No protests." Dan interrupted before I had the chance to say a word. "You had surgery- two days ago, so stay home. Eat chocolate, watch a TV show as boring as possible and stay away from work for today, tomorrow. And if you're free from pain and everything on Monday you can come back."

"But…" Dan was gently pushing me back towards the door. "…I can't drive and there's not another bus for…"

"I'll drive you then." He felt through his jeans pockets and pulled up his keys. "Come on… Come on. Bernadette I'm on a break… Now come on."

"I hate you."

"I know… This car is mine, get into the passenger seat." I sighed deeply, then realized my mistake as my stomach moving made the wounds burn. "And no more..."

"…Protests." As if Dan wasn't bad enough. Leonard, who came home already on Sunday a few days after I tried to go back to work started protesting too.

"I'm not protesting. There's no taking it back anyway. I just thought that you should have stayed with Sheldon and the guys rather than come back here and whatever you think you have to take care of me for."

Leonard just stayed silent, what was there to say anyway that hadn't been said?

"Don't bother." I sighed. "Can you tell the girls you're staying here tonight and they will go back to their places? You stay at yours and Sheldon's place and for once in like a million years I will be left freaking alone!" My voice sounded angrier and stricter by the word.

 _I want something bad to happen to me. At least when times gets hard you would get more attention_

A thought from years ago flashed by in my head. And I couldn't help to feel that way again. Even though I knew perfectly well that all of the attention I was getting was driving me crazy. I just couldn't help it. And I felt the guilt fill up my whole body as I slowly came to knowledge of what I had actually though all of those years ago.

"Penny?" Leonard's voice brought me back to reality and the thoughts that caused shame roar up inside of me. "Are you alright?"

"GO" I pushed him towards the door. "GO AWAY. WHY CAN'T YOU OR ANYONE LISTEN TO ME LIKE EVER?"

"Penny…"

"GO." I felt through his pockets, found the keys for my door and threw it on the sofa. "GO. IT'S LATE AND I WANT TO SLEEP. AND GO AND GO AND GO."

I had after what felt like hours pushed him out the door and afterwards slammed the door as hard as I could right in his face before locking the door.

I had expected him to knock the door and wanting to come in again- he couldn't do it himself as I had taken his key. And a part of me wanted him to come. A part of me wanted anything but to be left alone. A part of me that told me I was ungrateful and stupid for never showing appreciation of what Leonard and the others were doing.

 _Of course you're ungrateful and stupid Penelope!_

Suddenly the voice that had told me I wanted that kind of attention was back, and it was loud. And this time I couldn't stop it to just keep on shouting at me that…

 _You're not good enough. You're never good enough. You can't do anything right and you pull everyone you love with you when you're the one falling._

I shook my head and tried to push away the thoughts and feelings with my own. But what did those matter anyway when I actually didn't have any idea what I should love or feel.

 _Well just be happy then. Just be happy that you've got the attention you wanted._

Without any of my intentions of it happening memories were spinning in my head. And as many, many times before I hated having a photographic memory. Pictures of those few things I remembered of the day I had those seizures. Pictures from the whole travel through new doctor's appointments and tests, memories about how much I had noticed what was on its way on happening before it happened.

 _You were tired Penelope! You were tired all the time. And if it hadn't been for your stupid fear and being a coward you would have called a doctor to find out what that lump was earlier than you did. And we would never have ended up here._

I tried to ignore the thoughts and walked into the bedroom and pulled out that _grey_ Mickey Mouse pyjamas that I remembered having worn when I had those seizures and the whole night in the hospital.

 _When you bought these Pen. It was almost a year ago… You didn't know what would be happening wearing them. And it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been so COWARD! It wouldn't have happened if you had been good enough._

I laid down on the sofa and pulled a blanket tightly around me while holding Froggy tightly in my right hand. The shame from earlier had blown away, so had the anger, sadness, fear and everything else- including somewhat of a gratefulness of people that had stayed by my side even though I kept asking them not to and acting like the most ungrateful person in the whole wide world.

 _You are the most ungrateful person in the whole world. And you can't understand how anyone would like to be friends with you. Why would they anyway…_

It all had left confusion and nothing else than confusion. A strange feeling of without even knowing what I felt or what I should feel, what I wanted to feel.

 _You're not good enough._

 **Random fact**

Part of this chapter was slow and hard to write. Then when I came up with those switches in between Penny's own thoughts and OCD's it actually went quite fast. And I honestly had loads of fun writing it. I guess we all have felt like that sometime haven't we…

 **I wished I could have given you something happy this close to Christmas. But this is what you get- sorry it's so short. After all- Merry Christmas and happy new year- or, as I usually say it. God jul och got nytt år.**


	14. Words made by letters

**Thanks to bamadude and SRAM for reviewing on chapter 13.**

 **It feels a bit late to say it now. But I hope everybody had a great Christmas and New Year's. Here's a new chapter for you all.**

 _Hello Penelope_

 _We have gotten the results from the EEG tests. You'll hear from us again in about six weeks_

I didn't mind read where the letter came from or anything. Anger was roaring up inside of me when I counted where we would be in six weeks. Now was the middle of May, so six weeks would make somewhere around when half the summer had passed- the end of June the beginning of July somewhere.

"Whatever." I fell back into my couch. "I don't need to have a good summer anyway without worrying anyway."

"Aw, Penny."

I sat up straight- I hadn't even noticed Lenard was home from work. But now he stood in the doorway between the bedroom and living room and while there wasn't much else to do for me than to hand him the letter so he'd know what was going on too.

"I don't get why they have to wait." I had laid down again and turned so I had my back against him. "I don't need to have a good summer anyway."

As soon as I had said it I regretted my choice. What on earth did Leonard had to do with my worries? Now he would only worry more and he was already fussing ("Don't touch me") And I mean, wasn't I just one pain in the ass to everybody I knew. Whining wouldn't make anything go away anyway would it?

"I'm going out?" I more or less jumped out of the sofa and headed for the door, Leonard stood up and grabbed his keys. "NO. I am going out. I need to be by myself." Before Leonard had the time to protest I had grabbed my phone,, and was out of the door and down the stairs in something of what must have been my personal record.

Now where was I supposed to go?

With a sigh I started walking down the streets. I might as well just keep on walking, and without a thought I read on all the signs pointing towards the blocks, the signs on one store or café after the other. Despite living five minutes away I had never been in any of the stores right here- there weren't any with clothes. Only weird stuff like stuff with different soaps, one with phones, one with books- that kind of stuff. And without anything better to do I walked into the bookstore.

I walked slowly in between the shelves of books, pencils and notebooks. Nothing really caught my eye until I saw one notebook.

"Oh that's nice." I said, more to myself than to anyone else. "A notebook with an elephant on the cover- stripes and a happy elephant. That's really sweet."

"It's quite cute isn't it?" I jumped, of course it hadn't hit me that someone might hear me and I looked up to see one elder woman by my side. "My great granddaughter has one like that. She writes in it every day- three good things about the day, every single night she notes three good things… oh sorry. I rarely talk to anyone so when I come out like this I can't help it." I looked up at her, and then down at the colorful, smiling elephant. Then felt my pockets for money- of course finding nothing since I hadn't taken my wallet with me. "Oh… well, let me buy it for you."

"What? No." I looked up and shook my head. "No I wasn't going to."

"Let me buy it for you." The elderly woman grabbed my hand and pulled me with her towards the cashier. "Promise me you'll do what my great granddaughter- Penny does. Write three good things about every day… you look like you could use that kind of reminding that good thing happens. This please."

I hadn't regained the sound of my voice fast enough to protest before the woman reached the cashier five dollars for the notebook and then handed it to me.

"No I can't let you do that." I finally found my voice and my words. "Come with me. I only live two blocks away I can give you the money back." She looked like she was going to protest. "At least let me invite you for a cup of coffee. You can't just. Come. My name is Penny by the way."

"Penny? Oh, you've even got the same name as my granddaughter. It's almost like this day was made to be… oh, how rude of me. My name is Ruth and… well… here is my door."

"Wait…" We stopped outside her door. "…This is my… Well, like you just said- this seems to be almost meant to be because I live here too. I've lived here for years. Did you just move in?"

"Oh honey." Ruth gave a short laugh. "I've lived here since you were in diapers. And… I guess… What did you say about that cup of coffee?" We walked into the house. "I have some things to do. But can we say in an hour? Which floor do you live on?" We stopped outside her door on the first floor.

"I can come…"

"And don't say you can come with- I might be old honey. But I can still walk in stairs. Where do you live?"

Coming up the stairs and into my apartment I couldn't help but smile. And sitting down on my bed with a pencil and that new notebook. I knew I had to keep my promise to Ruth and write something good about today in it… It was only that, as soon as I had put the pencil to the paper it almost wrote itself.

 _I guess. If there is a God there who can see what I'm writing. Thank you for today. Thank you for my new friend, thank you for giving me a friend when I needed one the very most- I know I have Bernadette and Leonard and those but… I needed… I needed… I guess if there is a God there you're gonna know what's behind these words. And you're going to know why I needed…_

 _I am SICK and TIRED of all of this. I am SICK and TIRED of just going with whatever they say. I am SICK and TIRED OF THIS WHOLE THING._

 _Two seizures, severe anemia, surgery, a freaking lump in my body that I don't even know if it's going to kill me or not later and I still just have to go with whatever rules they have._

 _And I don't have…_

"Penny? What are you doing?"

"Nothing." I quickly slipped the notebook under my pillow and acted like I had just been sitting there playing with that pen when Leonard came into the room with an envelope in his hand. "What's that?"

"This had ended up in our apartment…" He handed it to me and sat down. "It's for you and it's from the hospital… What do you think it is?"

"It's the test results from the surgery." I said without hesitation. "Four weeks ago they told me that in three weeks I should hear something from them in three weeks and…" I didn't know how to finish the sentence and just continued fingering with that envelope.

"It's probably alright Penny." I continued fingering with the envelope in my hands. "If it hadn't been you would have heard from them weeks ago." I nodded- and wished I could have believed him when I tried to make up my mind whether I should do it fast or slowly.

Because after all, if Leonard was wrong- this letter could be the one that changed my whole life.

 **I'm not promising anything- but in the next chapter it might turn up why I decided to call this story the superhero promise.**

 **Ruth looks like June Squibb**

 **Random fact**

The idea about Ruth turned up while writing the scene in the book store. I'm not sure it makes sense but I realized I never knew I needed her for some future storylines. And honestly- I kind of like her. What do you think?


	15. Old and new friends

**Thanks to bamadude, SRAM, Chuck49 and Aussie SciFi Tragic for reviewing.**

I quickly eyed through the letter, then had to read it again because I barely knew what I had been reading. Not that it really mattered in the end was those few words

 _A harmless cyst_

"Leonard…" I looked up and felt a big smile form on my lips. "It was only a harmless cyst."

"Great." An as least as big as mine smile formed on Leonard's lips and he came over to wrap me tightly in a hug. "That's gre…" He stopped talking when there was a knock on the door and I went to get it.

"Ruth…" I stepped away from the doorway and let her in. "Right… Coffee… oh no. I want something to celebrate. I don't… Leonard this is my new friend Ruth. Maybe… I… I would… I want to…" I froze for a moment and didn't know where I was going, where I was or even who I was, then took a deep breath. "Why don't we just… why don't you and I Ruth just go to some café somewhere? Whatever you want there is on me, since you bought me that notebook." She smiled, but didn't have the time to answer before I continued. "Leonard will you stay around so I won't have to lock…"

"Sorry Penny." Leonard interrupted. "I will be at Sheldon's first, we need to do some things. All of us guys..." I frowned, it almost seemed like Leonard was keeping something from me. "You'll find out what it is later. But I gotta go to Howard's and help him get something here." With that, Leonard was out the door and started down the stairs.

"Oh well." I shrugged to myself. "Why don't we go out?" I turned to Ruth. "I want hot chocolate, what do you want?"

"I know…" Ruth was about a million times calmer than I was. "…that I was supposed to turn up in an hour or so. But I have some plans with my grandchildren later… So I hope it's okay now."

"It's okay now. Come on… We'll go to the… the… the café down on the corner. And bring something with us up here. I need to celebrate, I need to celebrate."

"What are you celebrating?"

"I'll tell you later. Come on, let's go down there…"

I wasn't exactly aware of the fact that I was holding onto Ruth's hand and pulling her after me. What I was aware of was that I felt more relieved and happy than I had…. Had… well actually I wasn't sure how long time ago I had felt like this. But it must have been before the seizures, that I barely remembered now anyway.

"Aw. It's called Collin Carlson's Café. Isn't that a sweet name?" I kept talking in a way too light and fast tone when we walked up to that new café by the corner of our house. "What do they have?" We walked in and I read through the menus behind the cashier. "Well. I want hot chocolate, God it's ages since I had… well. I want hot chocolate. Do you have it with whipped cream and marshmallows?" The cashier nodded. "Oh, give me loads and loads of that. What do you want Ruth?"

"Now come on and tell me." Ruth said with a smirk when she and I sat down with my hot chocolate and her tea. For some reason none of us had wanted cake or anything now when we were here. "What are you…. Or what are we celebrating?"

I sat down, put my finger tips into my cup and fished up one marshmallow from my cup and fingered with it. Looking at it as if I could see only the pink, fluffy item in my hand my thoughts were spinning in my head. And with that I took a deep breath, and suddenly everything just came rolling out of me.

I was very much aware that I had known Ruth for only like five minutes. But after as little as the first word I just couldn't stop myself. And soon I had told her everything, about the lump I had felt so long without daring to tell anyone about it, about the seizures, the anemia, the tests that had been, what they had found out and at last…

"And well. The reason I'm happy is that the lump turned out to be a harmless one."

"That's a very good thing to celebrate." Despite all the things before those news Ruth's smile reached from ear to ear. "For…" She lifted her cup and I did to and put it towards her. "…For health. And our new friendship."

I smiled as we put the cups back down. I guess I hadn't actually made a bunch of friends after moving here- mostly Leonard and Sheldon and the group. But even though they were my best friends and I loved them Ruth felt like something else.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing…" I answered. "Just about something before I moved here."

"Moved here? Where did you come from before that?"

We sat there talking for almost an hour before Ruth told me she had to go home and finish some things before her grandchildren came. And then, as we were leaving it hit me who had been talking the whole while we were at the café. And I knew that I almost didn't know what Ruth's voice sounded like. The whole hour we had been sitting here I had been talking about me, myself and I and absolutely nothing else. And the thought that hit me had me hating myself just as much as those things I knew I 'forgot' to mention.

I guessed there were a bunch of stuff I had 'forgotten' to mention. Like how much I hated the fussing everybody were doing. How selfish I was about all what I was feeling. How one part of me still wanted the attention all of this was getting me. I knew there were hundreds of more things I wanted to tell someone, just to get it out of my head. But while we walked back towards our doorways they just kept spinning in my head knowing I couldn't say them out loud.

Because if I hated myself for them…

"Penny." Leonard called just as we were walking through the door. "Can you come to Sheldon's apartment? We've… Can you just come here?"

"Can I come with you and meet your friends?" Ruth asked, I had barely answered Leonard yes and hung up. "They seem like nice people. And I have to admit, they seem to be planning a surprise for you and I'm very curious."

I hesitated for a moment. I hated to admit that but I was almost afraid that my old friends would scare my new one away. Well, she should already have been scarred away after all of my talking about myself. But after all, I and those messy bunch of geeks were sort of a package price. But still I couldn't say no to Ruth looking at me like that, and with my heart beating hard we walked up the stairs and into Sheldon's apartment.

"Everybody this is my new frie…." I stopped talking in the middle of a word when I looked back at the others and frowned. "Why are you guys all wearing superhero-costumes?"

I didn't get to do much else than ask. Or more like wonder- why were they all (including Amy and Bernadette who were there too) wear superhero costumes? Why were they all so silent? Why did no one greet neither me nor Ruth? And why on earth did Howard have his keyboard piano with him over here? And why did Amy have her harp?

I didn't get to think or say much else before Howard and Amy started playing their instruments, as well as everybody started singing. I was mostly frozen watching the… weird mix of people, as well as listening- and none of them were actually good singers. It just seemed like quite an alright mix, it all with Sheldon singing in Klingon and I was frozen staring at them through the whole song.

"What on…" As soon as the last tone had rung out I started making my own voice heard. But couldn't think of anything to say so I just finished and watched when Leonard broke through the group and came over to me,, digging in his jeans pocket for something.

"I…" Leonard seemed nervous. Then I got why when he suddenly sunk to one knee and pulled up a ring from his pocket. "…This Penny is not an engagement ring… It's… it's a 'the flash' ring. And with it I am…" I had stopped breathing but barely knew about it myself waiting for Leonard to continue. "I am… I am promising you. That whenever you need me to I will be here. And I will… Penny… Will you let me be your superhero?" He gave me the ring and I span it a bit in my hand- Gosh these guys were so geeky.

Although, I wouldn't want it any other way and before I looked up tears had been rising in my eyes- but it wasn't of sorrow this time. This time it was for something deeper than anything like that and it was for love. It was for love…

"Yes."

 **Song- Superhero- Ross Lynch**

 **Random fact**

I felt like with those news Penny got in the beginning of the chapter I needed to add a happy chapter to this story… I guess I'm not very good at writing happy things but I hope you guys thought it turned out alright anyway.


	16. Life goes on

**Thanks to bamadude, SRAM and Aussie SciFi Tragic for reviewing.**

 **I haven't got many ideas for this chapter, but I don't want to get stuck in this story like forever so I decided on trying to write a chapter anyway, I'm sorry if it sucks. Oh, and I'm sorry for not updating in ages, I have way too many stories going on and this writer's block doesn't want to go away. Anyway, here is the chapter. I hope you like it.**

-Today I answered Leonard yes.  
-Today I got the news that my cyst was only a harmless one.  
-Today I made…

I looked up from the notebook Ruth had bought me earlier when I thought I heard someone in the stairs outside my flat. Which was confirmed when someone (guess who?!) knocked on my door.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Penny."

Knock, knock, knock.

"Penny."

Knock, knock, knock.

"Penny."

I couldn't help but smile. I had had awfully little to smile about these last two months, now even Sheldon's super-annoying way to knock on my door made me smile I suddenly realized while I ripped the door open.

"What's on your list, scientist?"

"I…. List? What list?"

Oh Good Lord!

"Nothing. I just wondered what you want and tried to think of a fun way to say it. So what do you want?"

"Well… you're right… I am a scientist… And I'd like to invite you over to dinner with myself, Leonard Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler, Howard Wolowitz, Bernadette Rostenskowsi-Wolowitz, Rajesh Koothrappali and Stuart Bloom."

I suppress a sigh. If it wasn't for that I knew all the people Sheldon had just spoken the names of I would never have remembered them all. But Sheldon was Sheldon, and my friends were my friends so I went back into the flat and grabbed a thin cardigan from the living room couch and then go across the hallway to my friends.

"Hurray for Penny…" Leonard shouted at the top of his lungs when I came through the door. "HIP HIP…"

"HURRAY"

"HIP HIP"

"HURRAY

"HIP HIP"

"HURRAY."

"What's this for anyway?" I glanced over the main room of Sheldon and Leonard's flat. Cakes and biscuits of all kinds on top of the normal Chinese food and a big banner saying 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' "You guys know it's not my birthday right?"

"Well, yeah…" Leonard smirked. "But apart from that song and that party. We wanted to give you something… something more. Something that would go on a while and we'd just… let go of things for a while and… this is what we came up with."

I looked around the room, somehow that great feeling knowing that the lump wasn't a dangerous one had faded. And I honestly wasn't so sure if I wanted to be a party or dinner or whatever this was. With everything that had been going on lately, I just wanted to take a moment to just relax and be me for a few minutes…

 **Flashback**

In that darn hospital room, while hearing Leonard's deep breaths where he was asleep on the tent bed next to me I looked around in the room. It was dark, but not too dark to see anything at all and there were spaces for three more beds- all of which were empty.

I had seen all this before, the red buttons that one would press to call for the nurses, the white environment, I had heard the alarms of one of those buttons go in the hallway and then the sound of steps leading past the slightly opened door to my room.

I had seen it before, but never thought I would be a part of it like this. So what would be now? What did all of this mean and what would we end up in?

The thoughts were spinning in my head so badly that when I closed my eyes and tried to fall back asleep. First the last time I had been in a hospital- when my grandpa was ill when I was eight, and then now- seizures? Ambulance? What could all of this mean?

I turned around again and watched Leonard, calm in the world of dreams. Then silent and calmed down my own breaths not to wake him up and make matters worse.

When I had been with my grandpa I hadn't known I would end up in hospital myself one day…

And of course, I didn't know what all of this meant now- it could be nothing.

I talked myself into that it would be nothing. That there was nothing I could do to change it anyway. And at last the thought that it would show sooner or later what all of this was about. I turned my back against Leonard and the windows, and fell back asleep.

 **End of flashback**

"Penny…" Leonard's voice brought me back to reality. "Are you okay?" I nodded and followed everyone to sit down by the table. I sat down at the end of the table and waited while Rajesh and Stuart poured up drinks for everybody and then Leonard held up his glass.

"To Penny and…" Leonard seemed to choose his words wisely. "To the fact that life goes on."

"Life goes on…" Everybody else echoed and we all held up our glasses. I couldn't speak those words yet.

But the strange thing about life is that it does go on. The clock keeps on ticking, the sun keeps on going up and down and the days and nights go by in one hell of a speed. And then one day, you lay there six weeks after you got the letter from the hospital. They'd say you'd hear from them again in another six weeks but you haven't heard anything.

And then, trying to find some good reasons for the life to go on you pick up the notebook you keep on writing three good things about every day in. And you start reading them to cheer up, but already on the third line you realize you were interrupted after half a sentence that you never finished. And with that you pick up a pencil and puts it to the paper to finish it while remembering what happened that day and what was good about it.

And then you smile as you remember.

 _Today I made a new friend._

 **Random fact**

This chapter kind of sucks, the flashback doesn't make much sense but I'll try and refer to it later for it to make more sense. Anyway, I put it in there because if I hadn't the chapter would have been too short… Well it's really short anyway but I hope you can live with this. And I have some new ideas so it will make sense later.


	17. Girls who are friends

**Thanks to bamadude and SRAM for reviewing on chapter sixteen.**

 **I'm sorry I haven't updated in ages. I had no idea how to continue the story next. I still don't really. I know how it'll end. Just not what will end up with it. And not… well. I'm trying to start to write a chapter now so… Enjoy!**

When you live in a place like Pasadena, California you end up kind of spoiled by the warm and sunny weather.

Well, one day in the beginning of July just as my Vacation started. So wasn't really the case.

"So what are we going to do?" I turned around from looking out the window and faced Amy and Bernadette. Amy had been one to make her voice heard. "Going outside doesn't really feel right? But we could go shopping and just stay inside the mall."

"Yeah." Heard Bernadette's squeaky little voice. "That's quite a good idea. Now when the boys are gone for days we could just let go of all of Sheldon's stupid routines for these days and just do what we want to."

I didn't answer, only turned back to the window and once again watched the rain falling down. I bet this was the first time since I moved here there had been a rain this bad. And I wasn't so sure I liked it or felt like going outside at all. Especially when a flash of lightning broke the skies in two and lit up the whole town.

"I don't really feel like anything today. This weather is getting me down." I slumped down into the couch and pulled up my phone. "You guys can do whatever you want. But if you go outside buy me some ice cream okay?"

"Come on." Suddenly Bernadette was in front of me. As she had stomped over Her whole, short figure screaming that she really wasn't going to take a 'no' right here and now. "We're going shopping whether you like it or not. We will not let you sit here and feel sorry for yourself for one more day. So you come shopping with us and you come now."

My chin had dropped while I tried to take in what she had just told me, so had Amy's. But Bernadette obviously wasn't going to give in on this while she pulled on her own rain jacket and pushed up mine into my arms.

"Come on."

I just sighed, but still obeyed to my tiny little bully friend and followed her and Amy outside. We ran over to Bernadette's car in the pouring rain.

Bernadette had been driving the car with me, herself and Amy many times. But now when I watched her as she pulled out of the driveway and towards the downtown and mall of Pasadena I felt almost like I wanted to pull her away from the driver's seat. Get behind the wheel myself and drive- just drive. And I bet driving was one of the things I missed the most since before those seizures.

Well, that and my freedom. I hadn't spent some time alone since February.

"Well here we are…" Sounded Bernadette's squeaky voice when we walked into the mall. "And here we're going to stay until… well I don't know what we're waiting for but God women… look around, live life, be happy."

I had shoved my hands in my pockets and looked sternly into the stone floor. As if I did my best to keep grumpy and self-pitying. Which I kind of did anyway. Right now I didn't feel like being happy and if this was what life was all about I wasn't so sure I wanted it after all.

That one thought I could feel something clench inside of me. My heart started beating so I could hear the blood streaming in my ears and something clenched around my chest so hard I could barely breathe.

 _To make you make the call, that having life no life I at all, is better than the life that you had_

I had always heard about it, but never understood how anyone, in certain young and physically healthy people could or even could think about taking a step so far they committed suicide.

Now, for the first time in my life I could. Because if this was the way it was going to be with waiting for letters that never came and living with the thought of… of not knowing. Then I couldn't see any way it could get better.

" _Shut up Penny."_ I told myself. _"The letter will come. And you probably don't even have epilepsy or anything. You just had such anemia because of that cyst and not eating properly. That was the cause of the seizures and about the eating you've only got yourself to blame."_

 _And don't you dare hurt your friends even more than you already have._

"Doesn't this look nice?" Amy interrupted me in the middle of my deep thoughts and held up a knitted, patterned shirt in front of me. As well as Amy interrupting, I forced those thoughts away and listened to every sound she made. "I think this color would really suit you?"

I think that at any day otherwise I would have said no as soon as I saw that brownish yellow color with big, white dots. But taking a second look at it and feeling the fabric of it (it was so soft) I looked up on Amy again. Maybe her sense of fashion wasn't so bad after all!

"You know what?" I hung the shirt over one arm and hurried over to the nearest clothes' hanger. "I'm going to find everything nice in this store. You go and find things for yourselves, or just things with crazy colors and patterns. Just… find things… oh this is cute." I hung a black, floral patterned crop shirt over my arm and turned back to the hanger. "Come on, let's get started."

I wasn't so sure where this rush had come from. But I sure as hell wasn't going to let go of it now it was here. And with that I grabbed more crazy colors and floral patterns. And I didn't know, because it was behind my back. But if I could have seen the way Bernadette and Amy blinked to each other as if they had succeeded and won some big competition… I would either not have understood what they were doing. Or killed them.

When I reached for a pair of printed jeans I couldn't help but to spot the 'the flash' ring on my ring finger. The one that Leonard had given me. And even more happiness filled up in my mind and my whole body when I thought that when Leonard and the boys would come home in a few days I might be back to my old self. Instead of being grumpy all the time. Like I had been ever since those seizures- whether I could help it or not.

From the beginning I had to force those thoughts away, yet feeling more positive than in months the thoughts seem to get lost in a world of patterned and neon colored clothes. Way too many cups of coffee, girls trash talking and saying way too many bad things about the boys and what they did (we loved them after all) and way too much junk food and cakes for one day out.

"Well look at you." Just as we, several hours after walking out of the house, walked into the stairway Ruth was walking into her apartment and greeted us. "You look like you've had a great day." I looked down and glanced over the about ten thousand filled up plastic bags we held in our hands. "You'll have to show me what you bought. But not right now. I think I'm calling it an early night for me. Goodnight."

When we continued up the stairs towards my apartment I couldn't stop the thoughts about that I didn't want this life at all to come back and it had me freezing and stopping right in the middle of the stairs.

"Are you okay Penny?" I heard Amy's voice behind me. "Why did you stop like that?"

"I'm fine." I answered a bit too quickly and forced those thoughts away. Today had ended up a good day after all. "I think we're going to have to have an early night too." I half sighed half yawned when we came into the apartment and threw all of the bags onto the floor. "I barely even remember half of what I bought. I wonder if I'm ever going to use any of it. Oh yes." I noticed the first shirt Amy had shown to me in one bag. "This one I'm going to use right now. It's so soft. What should we do now?" I checked the time. "Eat dinner? What should we eat? Chinese food? Should we just order some?"

I didn't wait for an answer, but to keep myself busy I grabbed my cellphone and turned to the menu I had in a drawer and threw to the girls. Just as I turned to them I could see my two friends smiling and blinking at each other. Whatever had been the plan for me and themselves for the day- they had succeeded and I had a pretty good idea that the goal along had been to stop on being a grump, getting out of the house and at least seeming happy.

"This was the most perfect day ever." I said while we ate Chinese food and ice cream five minutes before bedtime about an hour after we came home. "And we could never have a meal like this while the boys were here could we. Let's make a toast." I held up my glass of Vanilla coke and waited for a second while Amy and Bernadette filled up theirs. "For a girls' weekend. And… and…" I hesitated and tried to find the right words. "And happiness."

"And happiness." Amy and Bernadette almost shouted at once and then we all emptied our glasses. Then as Amy and Bernadette continued eating I couldn't help to look up on the both of them for a second and smile before I turned to my own meal and made this the perfect ending to the first perfect day in what felt like forever.

"We had quite a lot of fun today didn't we?" Bernadette said when I crawled down in between my sheets and she and Amy laid down on mattresses on my bedroom floor. "There's what happens when you quit being a grump and just let go off troubles for a while. And we're going to have just as fun tomorrow won't we? What are we going to do then? Oh well, let's decide what we feel like doing in the morning."

Twelve hours ago I probably would have wanted to rip Bernie's head off only for stating that. Grumpy as I had been sometimes the very worst thing people could do for you was to seem overly positive. But now it made me smile, even though it was the last thing Bernadette did before both she and Amy laid down, said their goodbyes and fell asleep.

But I laid awake. On purpose this time. While I couldn't help but smile lying there in the dark, staring into the ceiling and listening to the slight snores of my two friends. And with the best thought in months I turned on my other side and fell asleep the moment I closed my eyes.

The thought of the bad thoughts from earlier today flashed by. But this time rather quickly and lightly. And they passed when I for the second once again listened to the snores of Amy and Bernadette with me. And then passed all along when I remembered what had been when I had done my best to let go off those thoughts.

I did have the world's best friends after all.

 **I guess this is kind of random- but I wanted another happy chapter for this story. And I'll find a way to make it make sense later on. Do I say that a lot? Well either way, I have an idea. And it will make sense, I promise. I'm just planning out the rest of this story and I think I've actually got the plan to make sense already. Anyway, see you next time. And everyone who reviews will get a shoutout.**

 **Random fact**

" _To make you make the call, that having life no life I at all, is better than the life that you had"_ Is a line from a song called how do you get that lonely by Blaine Larsen.


	18. Thinking thoughts

**So. I've had the plan for this story's ending all along since I started it. And I was planning on how to make it work. It all comes down to… there isn't too much left of this story. Maybe three or four chapters. I could make it longer but I don't want it dragging on and I need to finish off some story because I'm working on way too many haha. Anyway, I hope you liked it so far and I hope you'll like the rest. Sometime right before the ending I might put up an author's note about how this story came too life and why I decided to write it. But we'll see about that… Anyway, here's the chapter. I will probably be able to see after this more carefully how many chapters there are left. But it won't be many. Anyway. Here we go.**

I suddenly woke up with a flinch

 _I didn't feel well._

 _I feel sick_

It felt like a second ago I had been laying trying to fall asleep. But it had to be longer because somewhere far away in my own world I could hear Amy and Bernadette's slow, sleepy breaths while I tried for my breaths not to be so fast and really not turn into gags. Because I felt so nauseas it almost felt like they would.

And then, while I tried to slow my breaths down I felt my arms and hands twitch. It didn't hurt or anything. But they moved, quickly… And I definitely wasn't asking them to.

I looked down on my two sleeping friends. Then shook my head- I could deal with this on my own if it didn't get any worse. And the nausea had already eased so to the point at least I didn't feel like throwing up anymore.

As quietly as I could I crawled out of bed and tip-toed out of my room not to wake my two best friends up on my way out. Well out in the living room I sunk down into the couch not sure about what to do while I could feel the nausea easing.

I wasn't so sure what to do with myself for the moment. Or why I hadn't jumped out of bed at the moment I woke up, spurting towards the bathroom with the only thought in my head being that I'd throw up any second.

But as the nausea eased I felt something else I hadn't noticed before.

As soon as I moved- or didn't move. Or just breathed, I flinched. My whole body flinched as when I had woken up earlier. I thought it was just my hands, but I stood up to get a glass of water- maybe that could help. And when I stumbled like three times on that short distance from the sofa to the kitchen counter. Something was definitely wrong, and when I remembered… well, the very little I remembered of that day at the end of February… I was filled with fear.

Was this how it felt when a big seizure was coming on?

With my hands twitching I still managed to get an old coke bottle from a cupboard and hold it under the crane. And for a moment I was very grateful that at least Leonard wasn't home to see and worry about this.

My hands kept on twitching and moving, but the moments in between those tics grew longer and longer, and the feeling of nausea that had been creeping up my throat some time before I woke up slowly eased. I didn't see what else to do and brought that water bottle with me slowly sipping from it, and laid back in bed- carefully and quietly not to wake the others up.

"Penny…" I flinched once again, from surprise this time when I heard Amy's voice and she looked up from where she laid on a mattress on my bedroom floor. "Are you alright? What time is it?"

"I'm fine and…" I checked my clock. "Two in the morning. Goodnight." So I wouldn't keep worrying Amy and wake up Bernadette too I put the lid back on the coke bottle and laid down to sleep. But long after I heard Amy fall asleep again I laid awake, looking away from my two friends and barely knowing what to feel at all.

And trying to push away that darn thought of understanding why people committed suicide…

The next morning I woke up from a loud knocking on my front door. But the first thing I noticed was that Amy and Bernadette were up before me.

"No." Amy said to whoever it was in the door. "Penny's still asleep and we don't want to wake her up."

"NO I'M NOT." I shouted and more or less flew out of bed. "Damn it, what time is it? Eleven? Why didn't you wake me up?" I looked out the door and to Ruth who was standing there with quite an amused smirk on her lips. "Oh. Hey Ruth. What's up?"

"Well. Good morning" Ruth had a letter in her hands. "I just checked the mail.- I have forgotten it a few days from this week and I found this. It has ended up in my mail somehow." She looked into the flat at Amy and Bernadette while I looked down and say the hospital's logo on the envelope. "I'll just leave you to it. I hope it's something nice. Good day." She closed the door after her while I quickly ripped the envelope open and skimmed through it.

"I have… What? I am going to the gynecologist again? Why?" I read the letter over again. "No, but the remission is somehow sent from the gynecologist so I can go to the neurologist… this is just weird but I am going to neuro so that's what matters… My doctor's name is Evan Evans… That's a nice name…" I gave a deep sigh and slumped down into the couch. "I have to book a time to draw some blood tests…"

"When are you going to the neurologist's?"

"Monday the tenth of August. At nine thirty. Gosh I'm tired of all of these doctors and everything…" I gave another deep sigh. "…Evan Evans… What were the parents thinking?"

 **Random fact**

I kind of feel like I have taken some what to call them… short-cuts I guess in this chapter. Kind of putting together small things (waking up in the night and finally getting that letter with a new time scheduled at the hospital). But I needed to get through those things and it felt alright just putting them in one chapter like that. Hmmmm… Yeah, you guys probably need to know how this story came to life because none of this is making sense to you right now.

 **Anyway, this was just a filler. But it is a chapter after all and there is only about two or three chapters left of this now. I'm sorry but I don't want a story I've lost interest in dragging on forever. Anyway, see you!**


	19. Go back to normal or not

**Hello guys. As you might have noticed the cover photo have been changed. This new photo is a picture I've shot through a window, on blue skies and the sun shining. And the text 'it was still shining'. And I think the explanation will be in either this chapter or the next, or a bit in both. And some time before the very ending of the story I'm going to put up a note about where the idea came from and why I decided to write it. And in there I'll but where the picture and quote comes from.**

When I woke up in the morning August the tenth I felt in my whole body today was the day. After months of doctor's visits, blood tests, surgery, blood transfusion and God knows what else- until the blood tests only a few days ago. It was over and I'd finally find out what all of this had been for.

 _And it would for certain be nothing. Would it?_

"I don't think I have Epilepsy or anything." I slumped down into the sofa next to Leonard during eating breakfast and drinking tea. "And I can't wait until I can my driver's license back. But I hadn't eaten healthy, stayed up all night and only slept a couple of hours most nights and over-all not have any healthy habits that time in February when I had those seizures. And I'd been doing that for weeks. Then anyone would have a seizure. So yes. I am certain I do not have epilepsy."

Leonard seemed unsure about what to say next and had a frown in his forehead of a kind I didn't recognize. Once again I beat myself up for causing him all of the worry we had been through all these last six months (well, five and a half to be exact) and even more when it wasn't even over yet.

"Oh my God. I just want this whole doctor's visit to be over so I can get back to how things used to be again."

 _Because I would be able to!_

 _Right?_

And while getting ready knowing that in only a couple of hours my life could have gone back to what it was before. Or changed completely, it kind of frightened me. Knowing it could go either way.

But it wouldn't go either way. Because I would be fine. And everything would go back to the same to what it used to be before the seizures.

Would it?

It would right?

But the thought that there was an answer and it could be the complete opposite of what was logic in my mind frightened the crap out of me.

I was actually happy at least I had a time at Dr. Evan Evans in the morning. So I wouldn't have to go all day waiting to leave. Now we just finished our breakfast and got on all clothes and everything and then it was time to leave without having to wait around. But while Leonard drove me to the hospital and I sat in the shotgun seat. I longed more than ever to be driving on my own again.

Because I would some time wouldn't I?

"You know I can come with you." Leonard said as he pulled over in front of the hospital. "If you just give me a minute to find an empty parking?"

"I don't want you to." I said when we stopped and I unbuckled my belt. "And I'll take the bus to work or home or wherever I need when I'm done. Don't worry."

I wasn't so sure why I felt like I needed to go alone to this. I was an adult person. But even adults could need someone to hold their hand when one faced bad news…

 _Shut up Penny! This isn't going to be any kind of bad news. Just a reminding of you to eat and sleep with healthy habits like you should have done from the beginning._

"See you later." I leaned over and kissed Leonard while feeling the superhero-ring he had given me. "You're my superhero. Even when you're not with me in person. Which I don't need you to be. Love you."

Without any further ado, and for Leonard not to be able to follow me I stepped out of the car and threw the door closed after me. I could hear Leonard drive away again and forced myself not to turn and look at him. If I did he'd only know how much I needed him to come with me.

But Leonard, as well as all of my friends had already worried and cared enough for me these last six months. If I could have gotten to choose I would have gotten through this whole thing myself only so nobody would have to be worried for my sake.

But there wouldn't be anything to worry about? I just had a seizure because I was aneamic because of that lump and not eating properly- and that lump was a harmless one.

So this wouldn't be anything to worry about.

Would it?

Only a few meters from the revolving doors leading from the asphalt towards the hallways of the house that changed so many peoples' lives every single hour of every single day I stopped and turned to make sure I wasn't in the way for anybody trying to get in or out. And for what might have been only a few seconds looked up towards the sun.

I had heard somewhere God knows how many years ago, somewhere in a book or a movie or a TV series that no matter what happened. No matter what I would be told here today, no matter how much sorrow, anger or fear. The world would keep on going on and the sun would keep on going up and down and shine while doing so.

It seemed a quite comforting thought. And with my eyes closed pulling a deep breath the last few seconds before I would be met by that damn hospital smell I opened my eyes again. Feeling calmer and more to peace than in a long time I turned my head, faced right ahead of me and started walking again.

And while it flashed by, when the revolving doors kept on spinning behind me. I didn't quite care about what I would find out before I faced them from the other direction.

 **You have now got the explanation of the cover picture (when I wrote the top A/N I hadn't started the actual chapter yet and was still deciding what to put in it) but more about it will be in the next chapter too.**

 **Random fact**

It's actually kind of hard why Penny would want to go in by herself. I know that feeling but putting words on it was harder than I thought. Somebody will probably think that Leonard would have come her anyway. But I think more that Leonard would want to do what Penny tells him she wants. And if that requires him going to work…


	20. Not

**Some people seem to think when Penny wants to go to the doctor's and stuff on her own she's only thinking about herself, pushing everybody away and not caring about neither Leonard nor her other friends. One thing I've realized is that it's looking as if you see every day in the story and there is stuff like that every day so to speak. One thing to remember is that there are days passing in between the chapters too and five and a half months from the beginning of the story (the seizures) until now. Most of the time are just 'normal days' even though they're not a part of the story because they're not what the story is about and reading about all of them would be boring. Like I've said before there isn't much left of this story but I have an idea for the next chapter that will explain more.**

 **This story was NOT started for Penny to seem all too selfish and everything will NOT end up in Penny and Leonard breaking up. You'll just have to trust me that everything will be explained. And if not in the story itself, then in the A/N about why I decided to start the story.**

On the bus back into town from the hospital…

I couldn't stop crying. Like literally, couldn't stop. And it wasn't with happiness. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and my hands shaking where I held them on my lap. One sob after the other wrenched my whole body while I tried to keep as quiet as possible. And every time I breathed in, I was certain every single person on the whole bus could hear and see me.

Then, that was it. This would be the rest of my life. I'd never be able to go a day without the medicines that were pressed down into the furthest bottom corner off my bag. I'd never have my freaking driver's license back. I could just as well cut it into millions of pieces. If I ever had another surgery or something where I had to fill up a form and put up my weight, height, if I was allergic to anything I would never be able to cross 'no' at every disease and allergy that could act up from what they were going to use on me.

The sobs stilled for a moment, it was just as if there was no crying left. And while the tears started drying towards my light skin I had to look somewhere else than into my lap and my shaking hands. And leaning my head backwards I accidentally looked right into the sun still shining bright up there.

Was it still there? Was this really the same sun shining when I so hopefully and with my head held high had walked through the revolving doors at the hospital? Could it? Could it really?

Because it felt like the whole world should have ended with mine by the time I walked into the doctor's office at the neurology only earlier today.

What could have passed since then? An hour? No. It couldn't be. Half an hour? I pulled up my phone and checked the clock- forty five minutes had passed since the time I had had the time scheduled with Dr. Evan Evans. And what could it be? Forty four and a half since my whole world seemed to change in just a few words like that.

With the memories flashing by of what I had thought before I stepped into the hospital I pressed some buttons and then held the phone up and shot a photo- not a selfie of me (like I had when I sat bored waiting for the doctor to call my name) but of the sun and the clear blue skies.

While once again going through what had happened the last hour I felt the tears rising as I pushed my phone down into my pocket again. Could there really not be something that someone had gotten wrong? Hadn't that EEG that had been done months ago worked wrong in some way?

I knew perfectly well it hadn't. This was it. And this was the rest of my life.

 _Everything will be okay in the end._ A quote I had read ages ago flashed by randomly. _If it's not okay, it's not the end._

Then why did it feel like this whole thing would kill every single piece of the only me that I had ever known?

 **Flashback**

"Penelope?"

When my name was called in the waiting room I looked up from the selfie I had just shot with the cellphone camera. I still had the thought that this doctor's visit would change something, loads of things and I just felt like I could have use for this photo. Not that I knew where these feelings comes from. This wouldn't be anything anyway.

"Dr. Evan Evans." The doctor smirked while he shook my head. And I swear to God if I had a name like that I'd never be able to introduce myself without laughing or blushing. "This way." He turned towards the hospital hallway and led me forward and into a room to the left. "Sit." He pointed to a regular chair instead of the hospital bed in the hallway and sat down by a computer to check something. All the while, while I felt more nervous than ever.

 _Seconds left_

"I have gone through your EEG scan results from April the 20th…

 _Then why on earth didn't I have a time scheduled until today?_

"And your results is very typical for a certain kind of epilepsy…"

 _Wait… Does that mean I have epilepsy?_

Whatever Dr. Evans said next would all turn out to be a big blur. The thoughts were spinning in my head- I certainly didn't have epilepsy. I had just had a seizure and I would never have one again if I just ate and slept like I should.

…" _They drew a bit of blood last week. And these tests looks much better than at the time you had those seizures in February. So that is nothing to worry about now."…_

Well that was good then. I could just go home and go back to my life!

…" _Many people think all kinds of epilepsy grow off with time. And within a few years you'd be able to quit meds and live a perfectly healthy life. This however isn't the case of this kind of epilepsy. You will have it for the rest of your life. And it's unlikely you'll be able to quit the meds I will prescribe for you."…_

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

" _You will most likely never have a driver's license. I will write a prescription for a medicine called Lamotrigine. You'll start off with twenty five milligrams, one in the morning, one in the evening. Then after two weeks you raise it to fifty milligrams for two weeks, and then seventy five for two weeks. And then you will be up on full dose being one pill of a hundred milligrams in the morning, and one pill of a hundred milligrams in the evening. And if they don't work or you have many side effects then you give us a call and we'll see what can be done about that."_

Nope! Most certainly not.

" _This type of epilepsy sometimes occurs from a kind of brain tumor on the brainstem. So within a few weeks you should get a letter home for a time to come for an MRI and then will check."_

Wait…

"But the day I had those seizures. I don't remember it myself. But I know they did some x-rays and stuff then. Didn't they…"

" _No. A tumor of this kind it needs a certain kind of x-ray to spot."_

The thoughts were only spinning in my head. Epilepsy? No. I didn't have epilepsy. I had had two seizures because I was anemic only. Because that's what happens when you don't eat a single vegetable for months.

I did not have epilepsy! And I certainly didn't have a brain tumor. Stuff like this happened to other people and not to me.

Some memories started filling my head from the day I had the seizures five and a half months ago. The feeling I had had then. I did not get seizures. I did not have to go to the hospital. I wasn't ill and I did not have to ride by ambulance…

As it all came crashing down on me that this wasn't a dream or something unreal.

I did have epilepsy!

And it was for life.

"Now." I was taken back from my half- dreaming state when the tone in Dr. Evans's voice changed. "Is there something else you'd like to add or ask about?"

I thought back to the day at the end of February that I barely could remember anything of. Every single second of the five and a half months. Making sure I didn't miss anything to be able to ask any questions I had had all along.

"I can only come up with one thing… I… I can hardly remember anything from the day I had those seizures. But I do remember something very vaguely. I remember waking up on the hallway floor and that I was shaking, shaking, shaking. That I was trying to make it stop but I couldn't. Now, I don't know if that is even possible but I'd like to know… if I kind of woke up during the seizure or if I just imagined it or made something u…"

"You…" Dr. Evans snorted at me and interrupted. "…You just imagined it." He turned back to his computer. "Is there something else you're wondering about?"

I went back to my mind that only seemed all blank. It felt as if I should have had a million questions to ask about how the rest of my life would turn out. But not a single one could come and I just weakly shook my head while Dr. Evans wrote something on a paper in a small notebook, then ripped it out and handed it to me.

"Here you've got instructions for the medicines. I will write a prescription now." He turned his back to me and started working on his computer. "You can leave now."

 **End of flashback**

 _The hell with callously rude doctors_

 _Well, doctor._

Here I was, on the bus into town. Alone in a space full of people. And as soon as I would have stopped crying and forced it away there was a new reason for the waterworks started right over again. How much time had passed since the bus left the start station by the hospital?

Well, fifteen minutes at the most.

It felt like hours.

Thoughts were spinning in my head and I couldn't catch a single one. Searching for anything and everything to keep my mind off the sound in my head with the memories Dr. Evans's voice telling me about epilepsy, medicines and the rest of my life. And when I tried to neither start listening to peoples' private conversations around me, the song on the radio reached through all voices of the people around me.

… _Take me into your loving arms…_

The next half second the thoughts had started spinning again. And with them this time was that stupid song and when I had heard it the day I had laid in that MRI machine with huge headphones over my ears and heard the song for one of the first times. And then there was that thought that back then I knew so little about what I did know today and we were still only at the beginning of all of this.

When I heard the 'beep' from someone pressing the 'stop' button I was brought back to reality. And realizing I was hyperventilating I half of half wanted to get out of this freaking vehicle and get some fresh air. Well, as fresh as it was in this area.

While at the same time I wanted to get to Leonard's office as soon as possible. Hearing that darn sweet love song sent me right into a feeling of wanting to fall right into my boyfriend's arms and let him fix everything that had gone wrong today. Or today, the past six months.

The last ten seconds before the bus pulled over by the stop I quickly counted how long it would take me to get from this stop to Leonard's office (About half an hour) or how long it would take if I stayed on until the nearest stop (about five minutes) and whichever I should do for my and Leonard's own best.

I knew Leonard was worrying and would want to know what Dr. Evans had told me as soon as possible. But at the same time he'd might end up worrying for me more if he saw me in this state where I was only crying mostly hysterically. And that's what I didn't want him to do- I didn't want him to worry about me. And if I walked from here I might get some time and air to slightly calm down before I reached Leonard in person.

Before I had the time to hesitate anything more at that last thought of calming down. I more or less jumped onto my feet when the bus stopped and passed rows of people and chairs. Not being able to take a single breath before I stepped out on the pavement outside.

When I drew a deep breath I saw the guy who had pressed the stop button glance weirdly at me while I heard the bus leave behind us. But the guy seemed to be in a hurry in the opposite direction and didn't seem to mind more about me.

For a moment I didn't even remember where I was supposed to go or which direction or road I was supposed to take. If anyone had asked me about my name I probably wouldn't have been able to answer that neither. But so everything came damning down on me again and the waterworks were turned right back on while I turned and walked down a hill to a walking tunnel to get on the other side of a main road.

Walking through it the memory hit me of when I was younger and walked through tunnels like these. I had never been able to sing to hit a tone right. But I had liked to sing as loud as possible and hear my voice echoing all around me. So I looked around me to make sure nobody was close enough to hear me before I let two single lines slip from my lips.

… _Take me into your loving arms. Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars…_

The sound of my broken, tear- filled voice echoed back to me towards the walls of the walking tunnel and only made a new wave of tears fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. And right there and then it only felt like this would last forever.

I couldn't go on. For one my voice broke and went into sobbing again, for second the tunnel was short and I was soon walking uphill again and down a footpath, over a road. I had to stop once and wait to see if a car would stop so I could cross the road. Then passing it I sobbed again and wiped the tears. And I couldn't help but wonder if the driver off the car noticed and wondered what was going on and why I was crying.

Well he wouldn't have known a thing about this. Just as I would have five and a half months ago.

And then, way too soon (I had had some trouble with calming down, but I was at least breathing this time around.) but after what felt like ages after getting on that darn bus I stepped into the building and prayed to God Leonard would be alone.

Just as I walked up the hallway and found the door to Leonard's office I forced the tears away. It proved not too hard. But half a second after I managed I felt them coming on again and swore to myself.

It was quite failed. But knocking on the door to Leonard's office I drew a shaky breath before I opened it and stepped in as Leonard looked up from his papers and then came over to me when he saw my red eyes and tear stained cheeks. He took my hands in his in a comforting move before I had had the chance to find the right words. And started to say something but I stopped him and interrupted. Saying it right out and as quickly and simply as possible.

"I have epilepsy."

 **Then. That's it. Penny was wrong. She have got epilepsy. It's of a kind she will have for the rest of her life and she probably won't ever get her driver's license back. The doctor was quite a rude one. And to try to give Leonard as little reason to worry as possible she takes the bus to his job and at least tries (well, it didn't really succeed) not to seem too hysterical. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.**

 **The song playing in the speakers on the bus is thinking out loud by Ed Sheeran. And as some of you might remember that song has taken part in this story before. Before the surgery, when Penny had an MRI to check that lump. (Chapter five)**

 **Random fact**

I did realize the doctor's visit seemed quite short. But Dr. Evans was meaning to sound quite rude and short. (Like when he snorts and says Penny has imagined waking up during a seizure). Ugh! I hate such doctors.


	21. Nobody knows

**Thanks to bamadude and SRAM for reviewing.**

" _I have epilepsy"_

For a few moments the time seemed to stand still. I could feel my heart beating in my ears and see Leonard standing right in front of me. But none of it moved until what felt like ages later when Leonard stepped forward and embraced me.

I let him do it, what else was there to do anyway?

We might have been standing like that for two minutes, two hours or two days. Even two seconds- right now I had no sense of time. Then at last, I just broke lose and realized Leonard seemed as much in loss of what to do that I felt.

"Penny I… I am so sorry… Is there something I can do for you?" Leonard asked me, with a calm and careful tone in his voice. As if he was afraid any fast move or loud noise would set me off like a bomb. "Do you want me to give you a ride home? Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, no." I could hardly find the right words or my own voice. "No, I've got to get to work. I've already had weeks off for summer. I've got to… I've got to…"

"I don't think you should work like this. Let me drive you home. If you don't want to talk to Dan, I can call him up and tell him you won't be coming in today. That you need some time on your own and think to yourself."

I only glared at Leonard. Didn't he get I wasn't doing this for myself. But for him, Dan and everybody else around me.

Sure I had been diagnosed with epilepsy only earlier today. But life had to go on. And I couldn't just stop up- no, not even for one day. And that was what I needed to do for everybody around me. No matter what I felt like.

And that was why I turned, before Leonard had the time to protest more. And left his job before I, or even Leonard had the time to change our minds to end up where I was a pain in the ass to anybody and everybody.

I had never been so happy my job and Leonard's were only a couple of blocks away from each other. Yet I wasn't. Maybe if it hadn't been I would have gotten more time to think to myself. Maybe if I had had more time I would have thought of a way to calm down and stop crying until sometime and somewhere it was more okay.

But I didn't. And there was no stopping it. Even though it finally felt like I had calmed down. While I walked through the hallways on my job I felt tears rising in my eyes again. But I forced them away and steered my steps towards my office and desk.

"Hey Penny." I flinched, when suddenly my boss was right behind me, and I first froze. Then slowly turned around. "Ehrm… how was your summer?"

How was my summer? Right now I couldn't remember it at all.

"Is there something wrong? You're crying."

"Yeah…" I barely knew what I was saying- even less what Dan was saying. "No… I'm fine…" I drew a deep breath in and decided to tell him, he'd find out sooner or later anyway. And he knew I'd been at the doctor's so he'd ask if I didn't tell him. "I have epilepsy. The doctor told me today and I…"

I didn't know how to finish the sentence. Maybe I had never intended to do so at all.

"Go home Penny." Dan said at last after a long pause. And if I had been more alert I would have noticed the way he didn't even seem to know what to say. "Take this week off too. Do some thinking. Eat loads of chocolate and ice cream, that's good. It makes women happy." I opened my mouth intending to protest- I had already had weeks off during the summer. I couldn't have more could I? I'd be left without money. "I'll make sure you get paid with a regular check. We can say you're ill or something. You kind of are anyway, a thing like this… I think you need some time to think." Dan patted my shoulder, I was still intending to protest. But something in me must have known I really didn't want to. Because what slipped out of me were everything but protests.

"Thank you."

My voice was dry, and without feeling. I myself didn't let wait for it. I just turned around and walked out the front door.

"Where's my car keys?"

I almost panicked when I couldn't find the car keys in my pocket. Then everything came crashing down on me, I didn't have any car keys now. I didn't even have a driver's license. And I'd never have one again.

I'd probably end up as Sheldon getting a roommate only to get a ride.

I didn't know whether it was only I didn't know at what times there were buses from here to my home, or because I wanted to prove to myself I'd never become like Sheldon in this I didn't know. But when I stepped out of the doors I didn't turn towards the bus stop, but straight towards the pavement that could take me right home- even though it would take me most part of an hour before I reached it.

When I came home, now with a cold, sweet milkshake from Collin Carlson's café) the flat was empty. Maybe it was what I would have wanted, it gave me some time to think after all. But right now thinking meant feeling sorry for myself and maybe that was the last thing I needed.

 _I have epilepsy_

 _I have epilepsy_

 _I have epilepsy_

 _And it's for the rest of my life._

The thoughts, and memories of how Dr. Evan Evans had talked to me earlier today wouldn't stop spinning in my head. And it kept doing so while I sipped from my milkshake and sunk down into the sofa.

Still sipping from the straw I stared towards my TV. The thought hit me that I might want to turn it on and check what was on. That maybe that could take away my thoughts from the epilepsy for at least a bit. But I just couldn't get myself to do it, and for what must have been at least an hour I only sit there and stared ahead of me. Every now and then taking a sip from the plastic cup in my hand, but apart from that- nothing.

At last I stood up, I couldn't watch TV. I thought about what I wanted to do, but decided on doing some tidying instead of watching TV- anything just to keep moving (by now that devastation had made me restless) and some parts of this flat- such as shelves and top lockers, might or might not have been cleaned out properly since I moved in.

I leaned down to some shelves and pulled out some books and movies and things. But a big cloud of dust wasn't the only thing that came out of it. A book that had been put behind those came too, and fell to the floor next to me. I already knew which book it was without reading the title, yet I picked it up and riffled through it while one memory after the other of the story started flashing by.

I was already squatted down to look through those shelves, now sunk slowly to my knees while I remembered one piece of the other. And when I remembered and checked the ending, even started reading through the pages- the tears, worse than ever came running down my cheeks.

This book was about a mum and a daughter- and it was about the time the mum had cancer.

I didn't know whether this was the relief over the lump I had had in my stomach months ago, which turned out to be nothing. Or whether it was fear over what needed to be checked now. Which scared me out of my mind. But whatever it was it had sobs wrenching my body one after the other while I sunk down and laid down right on the floor with tears rolling down my face and onto the floor and I dropped the book next to me.

And whether it was relief for the last or fear for the next

Probably both.

And the book was a made up story with notes written between a mum and a daughter who were so busy they barely met at all.

Cancer was real, very real. It destroyed lives- took lives. Long before it should have been taken. Young people, old people, girls, boys, breasts, prostate, lungs, liver…

…Brain.

Brain cancer was one of the deadliest forms of cancer, I couldn't remember who had told me but someone had told me that one tumor on the brainstem only had one way out of it…

Cancer could take anyone, destroy the life of so many people and kill one.

Was this the time for it to destroy mine?

 **Well, Penny is kind of… what's it called? Sedated? That is a Swedish expression at least. I hope I make sense. But she's very upset. Still not letting people, not even Leonard see it. Mostly for the sake of other people as she doesn't want to be a pain in the ass to anyone. Then she gets a week off, goes home, finds a book where someone has cancer in the story… and then she just breaks down. Poor thing.**

 **Random fact**

The book Penny finds is 'life on the refrigerator door by Alice Kuipers. I tried not to spoil the ending in this chapter. But I'm telling you- girl, boy, old, young- PEOPLE. Read that book. It's a really quick read, I read it in like an hour (I started and then couldn't put it down) it is one of my favorites and it is so good. Everybody should read it.


	22. Talk to me

**Thanks to bamadude, SRAM and guest for reviewing.**

 **I am trying all I can to show to you and everybody else that Penny isn't pushing everybody away only because she wants to be for herself. But she doesn't tell Leonard or her other friends about her worries because she doesn't want to bother or worry them with that. And with that, she mostly lets them know the most important (such as telling Leonard that she had epilepsy after all) but not telling him how she's been crying only a minute ago.**

 **I'll try to make more sense of it in the chapter. (I haven't actually started the chapter yet while I'm writing this, but I have some ideas) But I also need to answer a guest review. Of course, you're all free to read it as it might give some answers to you all.**

 **One- Thank you, I'm glad you seem to be liking the story after all. And thanks for taking the time to write a long review.**

 **Two- It's not like she's clinging onto Leonard every time she feels she needs him. But she would have to go and tell him what the doctor said. And then she only tells him he has epilepsy. Notice she isn't telling him about the possible brain tumor or how rude the doctor was to her with snorting at her like he did. Which she probably would have done if she really was only trying to get his attention and pity or something.**

 **Three- Penny did not tell Leonard to piss of when going to a café with Ruth. She just asked him if he was going to be home so she'd know if she had to lock the doors. But he won't, he's busy and going to meet some friends. And then that's it**.

 **Four- No, it's not cancer, it's not a facial injury. But it is an illness she will live with and have to take medicines every single day for the rest of her life. And the last chapter was set only an hour or two after she found out so she was in shock. The change that she won't ever get a driver's license again is only one. And I think the worst part for herself is that just now she's mostly fearing that possible brain tumor (which would in that case be cancer) and not quite knowing how things will change.**

 **Five- Actually, I think that's it. I hope everybody's happy with that. I'm sorry if anything sounded a bit rude I'm just a bit frustrated I can't seem to show Penny cares for more than herself even though I try my very hardest. Thank you all for your time, here is the chapter.**

In some way I ran out of tears lying on the floor bawling my eyes out. It could have been a minute, an hour, a year or a hundred. I had just kind of lost track of time I realized when I crawled onto my feet, for about two seconds before I sunk down onto the sofa and went back to staring right ahead of me as if my life was depending on it.

I flinched when there was a knock on the door. And could have sworn I was about to have a heart attack from it. But I had just been so far away in my own thoughts and the fact that I had epilepsy just kept on spinning over and over in my mind.

 _I have epilepsy_

At first, it was like thoughts were just spinning in my head so badly I couldn't find any words. And I started fearing that whoever was knocking on the door might leave before I had the chance to answer.

 _I have epilepsy_

 _Come in._ I knew the words, but as soon as they were there I couldn't make my voice heard, no matter how hard I tried.

 _I have epilepsy_

"Knock knock." Ruth had slightly opened the door and leaned into the apartment. "Can I come in?" I still couldn't find the right words. But finally could force my head up and down into a few nods. "How did it go at the doctor's?"

"Well." I finally found my voice back again. "I guess it kind of went well. Not exactly, but I had some news and… And… And… well. I guess there's no point with not saying it. You're going to find out anyway but… I have epilepsy."

"Oh." Ruth froze in her steps towards the sofa and me. "Oh I… I'm sorry to hear that... How are you feeling?"

 _It doesn't matter how I feel. I can be as angry, as sad, as upset I want to be. It still won't go away._

"Still in a bit of a chock are you?" I shrugged. "Well. You are allowed to feel however you want. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need some tea? Should I go buy some food, have you eaten or…" She sunk down in the sofa next to me. "If you want to talk, I have heard a lot in my ninety two years. I have children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren. So there is nothing you could say that could chock me. Now… How are you feeling Penny?"

"I'm quite a terrible person ain't I?" It had slipped out before I had the time to stop it. Ruth raised an eyebrow. But she didn't have the time to continue before everything just continued slipping out of me. "I… I got ill… about six months ago. You know the story. Like everything I have done since then is to just want to be alone. While everyone's been fussing about me…" I looked down on the superhero ring on my ring finger. "…What kind of rude, ungrateful bitch does something like that? And look. Now I'm spilling it all on you. And we've known each other for like five minutes. And for like every time we meet I end up talking about myself nonstop. And… look… I'm doing it again!"

"Sometimes it's easier talking to someone you're not as close to." Ruth told me in her calm, 'grandma-ish' way. "And first of all. Don't be so hard on yourself Penny. You don't talk about yourself nonstop. And if you did then it would be because I keep on asking you. I want to know more. I'm a very sneaky person, and I haven't been bored for a single second along with you. Now, talking about that you think you're a terrible person..."

I suppressed a sigh. I had already gone through everything I'd done and every choice I'd made these past six months. I had only been caring for myself.

I was a terrible person! I had to be.

"If you had shouted at Leonard or your friends for trying to help you. If you would have told them they hadn't done anything for you when they actually were only trying their best. If you would keep on beating yourself up like this… Penny, look at me…" I raised my vision and looked up to see the look on her face, calm and as if she was making her biggest vow ever. "Even those things would never have made you a terrible person. We never know how we're going to react to terrible things before we're right in them. You are not a terrible person." I wasn't so sure what to answer so I didn't say anything. "But you're human. And humans make mistakes."

"But if we make the… my mistakes hurt everybody I know and love. If I could only…" I thought back to where all of this had started the day I had those seizures and why that was. "…If I could only go back in time."

"There are a lot of times we wish we could go back in time Pen. And I am almost three times your age so I've got quite a bit myself… And I bet I've got some quite a bit worse than yours. Penny… When you love someone. Like really love someone. Like you love your friends and they love you. You can act like a stranger and tell them what you want. And you won't ever have to pay them back because you're doing just enough of that only with being you. You can even force them to do what you want only for yourself. That isn't nice but they still will love you and you are not a burden." She laid her arm around my shoulders and almost whispered the last of what she wanted to say at the moment. "They won't leave."

I seriously should have run out of tears by now.

Well obviously I still wasn't.

I put my head in my hands and started sobbing once again.

"But sweetheart." Ruth pulled me tighter to her. "It will be alright. You'll see."

It at least didn't last for as long this time. But we still sat like that, her arm around my shoulders and me leaning against her shoulder when we suddenly flinched when the door to the flat opened.

"Hey. You're home early." I sat up fully while Leonard stepped in through the doorway. "How come?"

"Hey Penny, hey Ruth. I'm on my break. I'm just coming here to get something, I forgot. I have to go back to work." Leonard stopped in his tracks when he saw my tear stained cheeks. "Oh Penny."

"I think." Ruth said and stood up. "You, Leonard will have to… well… why don't you two talk for a bit? I'm going to go down to my own apartment. Have a good day."

"Well." Ruth just had the time to leave when Leonard, with a distressed look on his face. "I have the time to sit down for a bit." He sat down where Ruth had just left from and took my hand. "Is there… How… Is there something you want to talk to me about?"

 _I have epilepsy_

Well, he already knew that.

Thoughts were spinning in my head so badly they didn't give me a chance to catch one of them and know where to start. And that before Leonard had to return to work.

"It doesn't exactly come as a surprise to you now I guess." After what felt like a year of hesitation I finally started at something simple- anything else would just have made me break down completely again. "I will never get my driver's license back. So what if I end up like Sheldon always… yeah. You know what he's like."

"I know what he's like. But I know what you're like too. And you're not going to end up like Sheldon because Sheldon is… Well, Sheldon." I couldn't appreciate his bad joke. While I wanted back and forth whether I should tell him what really scared me or not. And while I wondered I felt annoyed when I felt new tears well up in my eyes. "Penny…" Leonard rubbed my hand with his thumb. "What is it that you're not telling me?"

"They have to… the doctors. They have to do another MRI. Dr. Evans told me they need a special MRI. And this kind of epilepsy maybe… it might be… I might have a brain tumor... On the brainstem."

"Oh." Leonard looked as if he wondered if he should talk more to me or throw up. "…Well… Penny." He hesitated. "You know this kind of tumors are really rare right?" I shrugged- not rare enough anyway. "Well… let's make a deal. You don't worry. I don't worry. And then if this ends up badly, which it won't. We'll take the worry then. Or, if we worry. And when it turns out to be nothing, which it will. Then we'll have worried for weeks all for nothing."

I nodded, didn't dare to raise my voice in case it would only end up breaking.

"Penny." Now it was Leonard's turn to more or less force me to look him in the eyes while he squeezed my hand in his. "Listen to me. You do not have a tumor on your brainstem. Those are rare, and epilepsy is common."

"But what if…?" I hesitated. "…What if…"

Maybe the thought of today's what if was just too terrible to say out loud.

Maybe it wouldn't quite be for real before I questioned it out loud.

"There are always what if's Penny. What if this, what if that… Always. But the choices we all ended up making at every point we had to choose. Has led us here today. And I wish I could stay here and sit and talk to you but I have to get back to work." Leonard stood up and leaned over to kiss me. "I'm sorry. You know you only have to give me a call if you need me." I nodded slightly, somehow I didn't really feel like say anything more.

I once again felt like a terrible person when I realized that "Don't worry" wasn't exactly… was really not what I had wanted and needed to hear. If anything it had made me worry more than before. Still I felt bad, after all. If someone told me they might have a brain tumor I wouldn't have known what to say. And would probably have ended up saying something like just that.

"See you."

Just as Leonard left I turned my head and looked after him. A part of me wanted to shout on him for telling me not to worry. (It wasn't exactly rocket science that that wasn't so simple) another part of me wanted to hug him tightly for trying and sticking by my side. But at last, I ended up feeling terrible about wanting to shout. And I didn't move an inch, and I didn't say a word out loud. And I didn't know whether I'd ever tell anybody what I thought right then.

 _I was just so scared_

And I was still forcing myself not to tell Leonard what a tumor on the brainstem meant.

 **And yes, this chapter is a boring filler. But I hope now that some of you can see that Penny is being something else than selfish with the choices she makes and have made up until this point. I tried for Leonard not to seem too… rude when he left Penny alone there but it was kind of hard. I guess there will be some more answers in the next chapter.**

 **Random fact**

What Ruth says to Penny is kind of inspired by what Mike says to Tracy in a scene from Tracy Beaker returns. For you who knows it- it's episode chain reaction. Second season last episode. And for all of you whether you know it or not. This is the original speech between Mike and Tracy in the episode.

Mike- "When people we love do things we don't expect, things we'd rather they didn't do, that can make us upset, angry."

Tracy- "I'm not angry."

Mike- "But I can remember a young Tracy Beaker. Who, when she would get upset with people, would get very, very angry. Now, this grown up Tracy Beaker may not get so angry. Thank goodness for that, hey? But perhaps, she still hasn't quite learnt how, to express it when, she is upset."

Tracy- "Talking, you mean?"

Mike- "When someone loves you, you know really loves you, you can tell them that you're upset with them you know. They won't go away."

Tracy starts crying and leans into Mike's shirt- "Is growing up always this hard?"

Mike- "Only when you care about things so much."

As you can see. I didn't copy the speech into the chapter, which I couldn't since Tracy and Penny are talking from two different perspectives after everything that's happened. But I think the scene with Mike and Tracy is beautiful and got some inspiration from that scene. I hope you liked this.


	23. Normality goes on

**Thanks bamadude and SRAM for reviewing.**

 **And guys, guys, guys… it's November! Do you know one great thing about November? I don't think many people knows it… November is Epilepsy awareness month. Which is awesome- the awareness part not the epilepsy. If people just knew about it… Sigh. Anyway, I'll just get on with the chapter.**

 _I have Epilepsy, I have Epilepsy, I have Epilepsy_

Still only a couple of hours after the diagnosis, and two hours or so before the others came home and I'd have to tell everybody except for Leonard I sat in the sofa only staring at the clock. It was as if the worst chock had faded. The thought that I had Epilepsy still hadn't left me alone for a single second. But all of that crying and confusion had been replaced by something I didn't even know what it was.

It was just like I couldn't feel anything at all.

"Knock, knock." Ruth came into my apartment. "I saw Leonard leaving a while ago and figured you might need someone to stay here with you."

I couldn't figure anything to say. Well this was just great wasn't it? Yet another person who could worry about me. Yet another person I just hurt.

"Yeah I guess. What's up?"

"Not much." Ruth came to sit down next to me and patted my shoulder. "How are you feeling honey? What are you thinking about? You look like you are so far, far, far away."

"Nothing really. I was just thinking about my friends. And… I don't know. I guess I'd like to do something for them… Like today. I don't know. I can't make each and every one get ill and stay by their sides through everything and such like they have done for me. But I'd like to do just something little. Surprise them with something. Make them happy. But it's… two hours until they're back here and then it's dinner and everything and then today is over and… everything will just go on like normal. But I just need something to keep my mind off… stuff."

"Well how about just that… THE dinner. Make dinner and they'll come home to a cooked meal. Everyone likes that."

"Sheldon wouldn't." I said, almost as out of a reflex. Then when I saw the look on Ruth's face and had to continue. "I mean it. Sheldon would not be happy about it. He eats Thai takeout on Mondays, and always orders mee krob chicken satay with extra peanut sauce. And then on Tuesdays we go to the cheesecake factory and he orders barbecue bacon cheeseburger with barbecue, bacon and cheese on the side. And then on Wednesday…"

"It's okay." Ruth told me and interrupted. "I get it. And I got it already when I saw the exact same things happening week after week after week and I only lived a few floors below you guys. But come on, life is for living. And food, oh my God, life is like ninety nine percent about food because you know how much I love food? And how much time spent in my life only trying out new foods? Which is like the most exciting part about life over-all… food! And then. If it doesn't end up well there is always a breakfast or a lunch or a dinner that comes next and will give you another chance. But when you make it yourself and make sure it's healthy and all of that it's at its best. Now excuse me for asking. But those seizures you had, in February. They were because of anemia right?"

"Yes. Well then I had a great big lump in my stomach that…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. But what if you could… I mean thai food and Chinese and all of that is a million times better than hamburgers and pizza for every meal. But the best, and healthiest food is the one you can make yourself. So if you think… what kind of food could you make that all of your friends would like?"

"I couldn't make anything for Sheldon. Neither food nor anything else. He needs his schedule to be exactly the same from week to week. Wednesday is…"

"I get it, I get it." Ruth interrupted. "But this is your life. Not Sheldon's. And you were the one who had a seizure because you were so desperately anemic…"

"I know about that."

"Yeah I know." Ruth peered a bit. "I'm sorry I just… Isn't there anything, if we first only play with the thought that you could make dinner for the others today that Sheldon and all of the others would like? Anything at all? There's got to be something."

I started off quite sceptic. Then suddenly I couldn't help but smile. Well, how haven't I though off that earlier.

"What? What did you come up with?"

"Sheldon's like all time favorite." I stood up to go check what I had in the fridge and the kitchen cupboards. "Spaghetti with little hot dogs. And that… If I made a sauce with the little hot dogs. Then I could put more things in it like… Oh yeah" I found a can of tomato sauce. "And, and… I'll go to the store. Say some food that could work with this that's got iron or something else in it?" Ruth just shrugged.

"Spinach maybe?"

"Spinach. Why didn't I think of that?"

I didn't think of that right then. But for the moment being I had just kind of forgotten about what had happened earlier today. Everything on my mind was that stupid Spaghetti with hot dogs- dish and making it. So that at last, just as I heard the others come up the stairs I finished the food and got it ready so I could take it across the hall and to Sheldon's.

"Smells good." Leonard came into my apartment. "Did you make dinner? Oh spaghetti with little hot dogs. Even Sheldon will approve to this"

"Take the casserole with spaghetti." I demanded and took the other casserole with the sausage stew I had made. "And well… let's hope so." I would have crossed my fingers if I wasn't holding onto that burning hot casserole. "And here is Sheldon"

Sheldon who didn't even care to say hi.

"What's this?"

"Well…" After feeling all self-confident while I was cooking I got more nervous and put the casserole down on the kitchen counter in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Sure after everything, when I tried to give something back I had to screw that up to. Then turned to the others, as Bernadette, Amy, Howard and Rajesh had joined us too.

"Didn't you hear me?" Sheldon asked in a defended tone. "I asked, what's this? What is this food?"

"It's spaghetti, small pieces of hotdogs, spinach, mushroom and tomato sauce. I just wanted to do something fun and… yeah, you know. The only thing I could think of was to cook and make dinner for a surprise."

"Well I don't like surprises." Sheldon moaned loudly. "And Mondays are Thai food day. With Mee krob and chicken Satay with extra peanut sauce."

"Well you're not getting Thai food today." I was thankful Leonard took the discussion. I wouldn't have the energy to. "You're getting this. So eat and be happy."

"But Mondays are Thai food day."

"Well then." Leonard protested. "Order your own Thai food then. I want to eat what Penny made." Sheldon glared at me while Leonard turned and picked up a plate. Sheldon seemed hesistant glaring from me, to Leonard's back, to the food and back to me. "You might as well try it. It's spaghetti with little hot dogs."

Sheldon only continued glaring. With arms crossed over his chest. But when everybody, including myself and Leonard had taken plates, food and sat down around the living room he shrugged slightly and I barely heard his mumble.

"Since it's spaghetti and little hot dogs I guess I could give it a chance."

And so we were in the whole group. Just like we had so many times before.

"Well. What did the doctor say today Penny?" Rajesh asked that one question I had known would come all day. I had just grabbed my fork to eat but now put it down again and searched for the right words. For a while I had almost forgotten about everything around the epilepsy and when I was asked at first, I didn't remember anything. "Ehrm… Well…." I stuttered and searched for the right words, then, before I had said anything I felt Leonard putting his hand in mine for support and grabbed it tight to have something to hold onto. "I have epilepsy he told me."

Silence fell across the table as everybody went into each kind of chock and I could tell nobody knew what to say.

And I hated myself more than others for everything I had done to myself. Making them feel bad… I just didn't want to burden them anymore and look how well that was going!

"Oh…" Rajesh was the first one to make his voice heard at last. "…Is there anything we can do for you?"

"NO." I answered, a bit too fast. I just didn't want to be a burden to them anymore. "No… No I don't think so. I'm just. I guess I'm just trying to get used to the thought of what will happen next and that's a part I have to get on with on my own."

"Well. That's okay right?" Bernadette said. "I mean. It's terrible and all of that but most people with Epilepsy are able to live a normally long and healthy life aren't they? And if you haven't had a seizure since then in February then I don't think you'll have any others neither."

"You know." Sheldon suddenly interrupted and I noticed he had actually taken a few bites of the food I had made. "This actually doesn't taste as terrible as I imagined it would. We could make the second Monday of every month spaghetti-with-little-hot-dogs-spinach-mushroom-and-tomato-sauce-Monday."

"Isn't it weird?" I asked Leonard, when we sat in my apartment an hour later. The others had gone or home or were in Sheldon's apartment. While I and Leonard just sat side by side on my couch and hadn't known what to say for a long while before I started my question. "You know… Earlier today it seemed the world just fell apart around me. I tried to think that life does go on but it just wouldn't work. But it did already. And Sheldon is still Sheldon and Bernadette is Bernadette and Rajesh is Rajesh and so on… And we are we."

"And here we are." Leonard smiled from ear to ear and patted my shoulder. "And so it shall stay. No matter what happens."

A thought flashed by about what more the doctor had told me earlier, and also about what that part with the possible brain tumor with that.

"You're not thinking about that brain tumor again are you? Because I think you actually do know that you don't have one."

"It's just that…" I took a deep breath in and went through about a million thoughts about what it would mean if I told Leonard. Would he only worry? I didn't want to worry him. "It's just that…" Leonard reached out and took my hand. And when I finally continued and finished my sentence it was barely more than a whisper. "…I'm scared."

When I had finally said it, after all of this time I had finally told the one I wanted to worry the least the one thing that would worry him the most.

I had expected Leonard to look mostly distressed and sad. But instead he smiled comfortingly at me and rubbed my hand with his thumb.

"Well…" He span a bit on the superhero ring he had given me. "Let me be your superhero that song said. And I will be your superhero. So then you won't have to be one. And you're allowed to feel afraid and sad and everything.

"But what if…"

"There are always what if's." Leonard said calmly. "...I could just as well step right in front of a truck on my way to work tomorrow and it will all be over in a second. And then I'll have worried for anything that comes afterwards all for nothing. And so could you, or Sheldon, or Bernadette, or Amy… You get what I mean. And it's probably a bigger risk for that happening than for you to have a tumor on the brainstem. But you don't worry about that from day to day, do you?"

Leonard asked me a question but I couldn't find the words to answer. Well, no I didn't worry about it. But I would worry about it if someone had told me I would one day die from getting hit by a car one day. And…

And I didn't want to be this ungrateful. Why was I being so ungrateful?

"But what if?"

I just couldn't let it go, I knew how small the risk would be and that the tests they did were only routine. Along with the fact that I knew that Epilepsy was a common disease while tumors on the brainstem weren't.

But still, I just couldn't let go of that weird feeling in my stomach that this was about to end in the worst possible way.

"Just in case… If they do find what… what they are looking for. If it's bad… then… I just…" I stuttered and searched for the right words. "If it is you-know-what. Then I don't want no more medicines nor chemo or surgery nor anything like that. If you get a tumor on the brainstem there is only one way out of it, and I'd rather take two months with only… travelling and living and taking time off and… Just living my dreams, than two years if I'm supposed to spend those in a hospital bed."

Leonard only watched me for a few seconds that only seemed endless. If he felt anything about what I had just said he wasn't showing it. And I was desperate only to say something more to put an end to this ear-crushing silence.

"Just in case… if…"

"Well… If…" Leonard rubbed my hand with his thumb over again. "And that's a big IF. Then I will still be here, and I will still love you no matter what. And whatever happens…" Leonard slightly, just in that way that made my heart beat harder than ever but never finished his sentence.

"What?"

"And whatever happens I promise I will always be your superhero."

 **Well. Things can still change. But I think that's the last chapter except for a note about why I decided to start this story and then one last chapter/ epilogue. So… Until I see you next time for that note. I hope you liked this chapter.**

 **Random fact**

Well. This chapter was quite boring. But I hope I could make it work with Penny making dinner and everything. But I wanted this to be a part with less drama than the rest of the story and ending (almost) with references and mentions about things that have happened earlier in the story. So after everything, I'm quite happy with how this chapter turned out even though it's kind of boring. But I hope you guys liked it anyway.

 **See you soon.**


	24. Why I started this story

**Thanks to SRAM and bamadude for reviewing.**

Hello. This is Linneagb speaking, well. Writing. But I'm not funny and I'll just get on with why I wanted and did put this story up. And I know I have mentioned that this story is important to me, and the whole thing about why Penny reacts like she does and the whole… the whole everything.

I have been wanting back and forth about whether I should or should put this up. And now I guess I'm kind of making a fool out of myself so I'm just going to say it.

This story is based on something that happened to me.

Like I said then, based. So for you to get a picture of this whole- I did have those seizures. I couldn't remember anything from going to bed and waking up on the floor, I spent one night in hospital and my dog did what Sheldon does with ripping a bunch of receipts to pieces and leaving them on the seat, as well as eating a piece of chocolate (don't worry. She was fine) and wrecking a pair of sunglasses.

And honestly, Sheldon doing what Jippie did I found very funny and in Sheldon's character.

I was diagnosed with epilepsy August the tenth, my doctor snorted at me and told me I'd imagined remembering a seizure. I went by bus into town to tell my mum about it and cried my eyes out. I sang on "Thinking out loud" in a foot tunnel and heard my voice echoing back And enough with the damn sob story. And over to some things that didn't happen or have been changed.

I do not have a boyfriend, Leonard has taken my parents' role in the story. Ruth does not exist at all. She was supposed to have a bigger part if I went on in the story and there been based on some friends of mine. Most of everything in chapter 22 and 23 is made up for the story's sake. Except that whole brain tumor thing. Except it didn't happen until weeks later than for Penny.

Oh, the part with the superhero promise- made up. Penny cooking a meal for everybody- made up.

Drinking milkshake for lunch after being diagnosed with epilepsy- true. Being told not to worry when one's afraid of having a brain tumor- true.

I could go on like this with everything that happened in the story. So if you have anything in the story you want to know if it's true or not, write it in a review or send me a message and I'll answer there.

So to why I decided to share this and everything.

I wanted to go through everything that had happened. And somehow made up I could write a story about it and put up here. I know I went through more pairings and fandoms about it but can't remember most of them. I know I was thinking about making it a Spendy story in the good luck Charlie fandom though.

If you have been very… like seen all the details I have forgotten the word for it. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy two days before I put the story up. When I still thought "I have epilepsy I have epilepsy I have epilepsy" And it helped me go through everything. And about then I was still in all of it since it took the hospital two months to get me back for that MRI to check if I had a brain tumor.

And as of now, two years and three months after I was diagnosed… It's over. And it's been over for a long time. It will never be over and done completely since I have to take medicines every day for the rest of my life. But my life is great and I feel great, and letting go about what was then will be easier if I can let this story go.

The whole part with all of what this story have been about… I just want to get through with it and get on with my life. Which is why I have decided to end this story. The next and probably last chapter/ epilogue will be up in a week or two.

So to everyone reading this and sticking with the story. Thank you. See you soon

-Linnéa


	25. My life, my love, my superhero

**Thanks to SRAM, bamadude, hokie3457 and guest for reviewing.**

 **I think I said at some moment that this story is AU from the beginning of season eight. Among other things that does mean that Penny and Leonard never got married. At least I hope it means that or I'll have to re-write this whole chapter. Anyway, I think I've found a way to make it work.**

 _November the tenth, 2017_

I did not have a brain tumor.

If I had had one, I for sure hadn't been sitting here or even alive to this day. Two years and three months after I had been diagnosed with Epilepsy. That day had been one of the hardest days of my whole life so far. But today wasn't. Not in any way. The total opposite of it actually.

Today I was happier than ever. And just about to marry the love of my life.

Where I sat in the marriage chamber in this beautiful church with my three best friends and bride's maids running around like dizzy hens for their pieces of clothing and everything about God knows what. I was only looking at them and myself in the mirror. And just felt how happy I was that I was here today.

How happy I was to have become what I was today, even with all it took to become it.

For a second I thought back. I did try and not think about what had happened during the year of 2015. Everything around the seizures and the surgery and the Epilepsy-diagnosis, seemed so distant to this day. And I would have liked not to think about it today. But how could I help it?

I lifted my hand and looked into the mirror while I let the tip of one finger run along the wound over my eye. It was almost healed now, and would be invisible in just another couple of months.

"Are you sure I shouldn't put some makeup on it?"

"Absolutely sure." Ruth leaned over my shoulder and smiled to the mirror. "Scars tells a story and they should under no circumstances be hidden. Now, you have got something new." She looked down on my dress. "And here is something old, borrowed and blue." She handed me a box. "I wore that when I married, both of my son's wives wore it and even my grandson's wife did. It would mean a lot to me if my best friend would wear it too."

For a moment I was frozen while I took in what Ruth had just said, then I slowly, almost afraid to break something opened the box and lifted out the beautiful hair ornament that laid in it with my chin dropped.

"Wow." Was the only word I could get out at the silver-item with a line of blue sapphires along the edge. "This… Wow. But are you sure you want me to. I mean… It's supposed for your family."

"Well I do count my friends as family too." Ruth took the item from my hand and carefully pressed it in by the bun in my hair. "And I want you to wear it. It's a good thing I used to be a hair dresser or I would have completely messed this up. Sit still." Ruth quietly fixed some bobby pins that had fallen out. "Now… That should be it."

"Well, I do know that for my echonomy it was very good that you used to be a hair dresser." I turned my head and tried to see the ornament in the mirror. "Thank you… Thank you so much. You too Amy and Bernadette. Oh my God…" For a moment I didn't know what to do or say. "I could just never thank any of you enough." Not to get stuck in this I stood up and looked myself up and down. "White dress, blue shoes, white and blue roses, white pearls, that hair ornament."

"You thought about the color of that when you helped me pick out the outfit did you?"

"Yep." Amy answered me. "And she let us see it too so we could help. Now, spin around so we can see all of you." I obeyed. "Oh my, you look beautiful Penny."

"I do?" I hesitated and felt on the ornament in my hair and the pearls around my neck. "It isn't too much?"

"It is just enough." Ruth assured me. "We have to go now. But I can hear your dad coming, see you in a minute. Good luck love."

When Ruth, Amy and Bernadette left and I sank down on the chair and looked myself in the mirror. Then lifted my hand again and stroke the wound above my eye. Oh, if I could just forget about all of this. Just for one day and not have to worry about anything.

And yet I always knew, I wouldn't have liked to forget about a single thing.

Maybe, probably, most likely if I had never had those seizures or anything. I and Leonard would have gotten married long ago. But after everything, I had learnt something about myself and my friends. What really mattered and no less how I would in the best way took care of myself.

And losing one of the kinds of meds I took every day and then say "Nothing's going to happen" until I'd have a big seizure (The kind my doctor said I wouldn't have) before I had the time to go to the pharmacy, was not a way to do so.

"Pen." Suddenly my dad came into the room. "Everybody are getting ready now. Are you?"

I nodded, afraid that my voice would break with nervousity if I tried to raise it. Dad let go of the door handle and came over and laid his hands on my shoulders from behind.

"You look beautiful today Pen. And that is not the only reason this guy is so very lucky to have you in his life. Now… I know you're nervous. And I also know you have been going through hell the past two and a half years. And that is why I know, maybe you don't but I do. That this guy will stay by your side for- freaking- ever if you want him to. And that you do, don't you?"

"I do." I said quickly. "I do want that. More than anything." I stood up and grabbed dad's arm while he led me out of the marriage chamber and down the hall. "But it's just that… I can't help but thing. What about tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that? I'm thirty two years old and am just about to get married. I've got my whole life left to live." We stopped right outside the doors towards the chapel. "And I am… I feel like the world's happiest person for getting to live it with Leonard by my side. But at the same time, I am so, so nervous." Dad chuckled slightly. "What? It's not funny."

"It's not." He stated, why was he laughing then? "Do you think you're the first one who thinks like this Pen? We all do. Every married human in the whole world has I bet. Me too. At this moment when I and your mum were about to get married and I was standing by the altar waiting for your mum to come into the church… The only thing I felt was that I just wanted to crap my freaking pants."

"Dad." I moaned. "Ew. And if you mention that before today is over or ever I won't ever talk to you again."

"Couldn't let that happen could we?" Dad chuckled and we stopped outside the doors to the middle aisle that were still closed. "And only one more thing," I turned my head and looked up on him. "I love you Pen."

"Love you too dad." I looked straight forward and gripped hard in the sleeve of dad's blazer while I could feel my heart beating in my chest.

Then suddenly the tones to the refrain of the song my friends had sung to me what felt so long ago started streaming through the church and the doors opened.

We had hesitated and talked many times before we had chosen this song instead of the regular melody to here comes the bride. It could remind us of hard times, but it could also remind me that Leonard had been there through everything. And that was why we had decided to keep it like this.

I couldn't help but for once again remember back and to how I'd been crying during the day now two years and three months ago. And for just a second it just felt as I was back there, talking to the I that had been there and then.

"Dear Penny." I whispered under my breath while I started moving forward, down the aisle and towards the altar. "I am here today. I feel in all of me how happy I am to be alive. Because with all of me I am happy. Why? You ask. Well, not to spoil anything for you. But how could I not be when I am just about to get married to my real-life superhero?"

And looking up on Leonard standing in front of our group of friends with a happy, but nervous look on his face. I knew more than ever that my superhero was exactly who he was.

 **Song- Superhero- Ross Lynch**

 **Random fact**

 **Things in the chapter that happened in reality.**

-If you check the date in the beginning, it's the same day as I put up the note about why I decided to start this story. And believe me, I'm not trying to sound like that is a smidge as big as a marriage haha. But it was yet some kind of leaving the past behind and head forward.

-That memory Penny thinks about, I lost a box of medicines, and didn't hurry to go off and by new ones as my doctor had told me I only have small kinds of seizures. So before I had started taking them again I had a big seizure. And I now have an almost healed wound above my eye. And nowadays I laugh about it and say I will never lose any medicines ever again.

-I wrote in a message with bamadude. "I'm twenty two years old- I've got a whole freaking life to live over here." (I changed it a bit, along with the age and added the getting married part for Penny's point of view though)

 **Thing in the chapter that did not happen in reality**

-Marriage

 **So that's it. Oh My God. I hope you liked this as an ending. I'm not sure I got Penny's dad into character because it's been so long since I watched an episode with him in it. But come on, he's watching his little girl getting married so even if he's different it would be alright.**

 **Thank you to everyone who's been reading this story.**

 **-Linnéa**


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